I know what you mean. I take a shower in the morning instead of 3 or 4 in the afternoon, it's a good day ;) Bailey doesn't mind me smelly and unkempt, makes him feel at home ;)

Can I just say that I cannot comprehend how such a complete bastard managed to be half of the force of what produced you? I mean, that's a weird sentence, but there it is. You. You're a good person, a really good person. A flawed person, somebody who does things that might be selfish or wrong, but over all of it, you have such a good heart. And I say that, that way, because I don't want your mind to go Oh but she doesn't know about such and such, she doesn't know what I'm really like because that's crap. It's the same crap that goes through my head, and most peoples, I guess, when they get compliments. It's either I don't deserve that, you're wrong or I don't deserve that because you don't know the whole truth. Take the compliment. I don't throw them out like Mardi Gras beads, I mean them. I chose carefully and I try to word them wisely, but I always, *always* mean them.

I know you love your dad, so this is- hmm, not crazy, tough? - thing to ask, but *forget about him*. You have a mother who adores you and would do anything for you. You've got a punk ass but sweet older brother who loves you just as much. And you've got us. How many people can say that? How many people can say they met lifelong friends on the *internet*? Or anywhere, for that matter? We don't get to see each other often, and sure sometimes we fall out of touch, but we never stop caring about each other. We haven't drifted apart, we haven't gone our seperate ways and you've got to admit, over the last I don't know how many years, we've changed *a lot*. And yet we stay together. You guys are more precious to me than most of my family.

I- hmm. I hate backtracking, but I need to a bit. I don't want you to forget about your father, it's more... when someone dies, you either remember them with pain and sadness or you look back with happiness at the time you had with them. And I'm not advocating sunshine and puppies, but I have the feeling that when you think about your dad it *is* pain and sadness, it *is* loss. It's more about letting him go. Essentially the father you knew is dead. That person is gone, and now you're left with this new guy and he's not your daddy. And as long as you keep expecting to see your father, the man you grew up with, it's going to hurt and it's going to feel horribly wrong. I know, easier said than done and even written down that's mind boggling to me, but it can. be. done. I know there's a peace in this that you can find, slowly but surely.

God I wish you were here, or I was there or *something*! Not just for this, not just because I miss you - I miss both of you - but we both seem stuck right now. I'm trying, I think I'm doing better than before, but the hardest thing, the most painful sentence is: I have no friends. Not one. I talk to the people in my tai chi class, I love spending time at art, I always stay late for that, but... I have no friends. And every time I write that, every time I say that, I just want to cry - which is exactly what I'm doing right now. And my biggest fear... I won't go to Chicago; I'll go and fail; I'll go and still be just as alone. I- I can't even think about it or I'll screw it up before I even begin.

I would like some company, though. That's isn't four-legged and furry. Sorry, Bailey.

Babies babies everywhere. My long lost friend Ashton, you guys remember her, is having a baby too. A boy. I think maybe she was a little disappointed because I know she really wanted a girl. But maybe I was just reading her wrong.

So what's your babe's sex Debbers? Inquiring minds want to know! Have you had morning sickness?

Speaking of sickness, I'm sorry you were/are sick Anna.
A fish fry and an ice sculpture sounds like a good time. I'm thrilled if I take a shower. Seriously.

Whew. I guess I have to do this. I wanna say something and I don't really think there's anything left to talk about after that. All common sense comes into play and answers all questions. That it's all wrong.
My dad hasn't even told me himself. He's such a coward that he left my mom to do his dirty work. wheeeeeeeewwwwww.......i don't wanna say this because it makes it real................i don't want it to be real.

My dad got his thirty-something, gold digging, home wrecking woman pregnant and they are getting married. bombs away....