I just wanted both of you to know (and I hope you're there Whitney, I miss you a lot) that I broke up with Justin. The short version, since I am even more typing impaired than before, is: Our relationship had become very abusive the last few months. He'd been going through a lot with his grandfather, work, the stuff with the sheriff's department, and he was taking it all out on me. He never hit me, but he snapped at me, belittled me, constantly fought with me over *everything*. I was afraid of him. Afraid to disagree with him, afraid to make him mad. In the discussions leading up to the split, I literally broke down and told him I was afraid that, if I didn't say anything when I felt uncomfortable, when it felt wrong, that he would just go ahead and rape me. It's something we'd fought about for a long time (sex) and I didn't want to say it, but until that moment I'm not sure I realized just how terrified I was. It certainly explains why I didn't want to do anything with him.

He took it pretty hard when I told him I was unhappy, but the actual breakup was very low key. No yelling, no crying, although he did come close. Then he basically told me that we *weren't* breaking up, that I should think about, and that pissed me off. But I let him have his few days, called him back and he seems to be okay, grateful even. He said it was exactly what he needed. *He* was unhappy, hated his life, hated himself and it took me walking away from him to make him realize what was going on and own up to it. I know he still loves me and he probably thinks we'll get back together, but I doubt it. My feelings for him changed a lot because of what he did to me, *I* changed and so did he. I just don't love him anymore.

This is starting to look like the long version isn't it? I promise it isn't. The long version requires hand gestures and I only have... 7 working fingers right now. My biggest worry now is what will happen to me. He seems perfectly fine, liberated, happy. I feel just as lost as I was before, or nearly as. There's a certain strength in knowing you stood up and took care of yourself in the face of something really difficult. And in having your first baby sister home and only a few short minutes away. Now I just have to do something about the two of you ;)

I went to a funeral today. My godmother, Betty, her father passed away on Tuesday. She and her husband are my godparents, my parents are their kids godparents, my dad was bestman at their wedding... you get the idea. It was a very short, simple funeral. Betty's brother, Ron, plays the bagpipes (they're Scottish) and he played twice. Once while they were carrying the casket to the hearse and then at the end of the funeral he played "Amazing Grace" and a Scottish lament. I didn't realize he was standing behind us until the taps tapered off and I could hear the air going into the pipes and. It was beautiful. I wanted to laugh and cry and smile and just fall to the ground. People call bagpipe music 'stirring' but it's a poor description. It simply goes straight to your soul and *pulls*. I- I don't want to be buried, despite my love of cemeteries, but I will have bagpipes. Bagpipes and extra 12 boxes of kleenex.

Oh, and their kids? Casey and Tyler got *hot*. Whitney would molest Tyler in 10 seconds flat, and really, no one could blame her. And that sentence sounds very... weird given the names. But I think you'd like Tyler over Casey, he has the loveliest mouth ;)