Very long, and because I am both gimpy and lazy, not all that edited from its LJ version. Except you guys are way cooler and give much better advice (and hugs)

Last night after I posted I played Diablo II for a while. I didn't want to go to bed with all of that so fresh in my mind. My nerves were shot, I just wanted to forget, even if it was only for a little bit. I guess it helped, I wasn't really thinking about Justin and I certainly wasn't crying, but instead of going to bed right after I finished, I checked ICQ. I spent the next 3 hours talking to Peter. About Justin, about us, about me. The last person I'd ever think I'd open up to, but... like I told him, I pretty much shot that whole perfection thing to hell. I could tell him (just about) anything.

I had to turn off my iPod. Everything's getting to me. "11 am" is me after Peter, maybe even me now. "Pardon Me" is just me. Spontaneous combustion *is* starting to look like a viable option. "October"... is a lot of things that I can't seem to put into words, but 3 for 3 and I just need the headphones off.

Peter thinks I deserve better. He thinks I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I shouldn't stay just because I'm scared or I feel obligated to. Peter actually cares and that's what surprised me the most. I guess it shouldn't, he's not an angry person, I've never known him to carry a grudge, but... I destroyed him. I loved him more than anything, but I felt like I was drowning. Being sick has fucked up my life in a lot of ways over the past 6 years, but right now I would give so much to have another chance. I didn't want to let anyone in, I didn't want them to see my pain and what started out as me protecting myself, and the people I care about, ended up burning more bridges than I can ever rebuild. And then I had Peter, who was so wonderful and amazing, and he thought I was perfect. And at the time that just made me shut him out even more, I couldn't stand the idea of falling in his eyes. It killed me. I was depressed and angry, holding everything inside, struggling for months, trying to get it out and boom. That's it. I broke up with him and as much as it had been on my mind, he had no idea. He knew something was wrong, he tried to get me to open up, but it was like I dropped a bomb on him, he never saw it coming.

Last night I told him I would talk to Justin, I wouldn't just break up with him. "Well you did it to me. Why can't you do it to him?" I don't know his tone, like I said, he's not a vindictive person, but it tore at my heart all over again. "Because leaving you nearly killed me, okay?" I cried. I... I cried more for him than I did for Liz. I was terrified of seeing him, talking to him. I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes, knowing I'd put it there. Not when I still loved him. But he didn't know that, did he.

I told him about Justin's plans for our future. "We used to talk about stuff like that." "Not that it happened obviously." It didn't, but I wish it had. "It was different with you. heh. with you I actually wanted it..." When Peter and I talked about the future it was *our* future, it was about both of us, what we both wanted. I never felt like I was just along for the ride. "Well you threw it away." Sometimes I forget how much words can hurt. How much a few letters can feel like a slap. I did. I know I did, and I regret it and god help me, I wish I could have it back.

But I can't. I'm in a relationship where I'm not happy and the person I loved in the beginning is changing for the worse. My ex-boyfriend and first love has a girlfriend who is awesome. I have no job, no school, no friends, and even though people keep telling me otherwise, no real future. I'm nearly 22 years old with nothing to show for my life and no direction for the rest of it. Prove me wrong, I welcome it. Encourage me, I'll try to it to heart. But the truth is, without seeing what I go through on a day-to-day basis... I love you guys, but it's not the same.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why do I miss him so much? Just looking at pictures and I feel like I'm going to break down and cry. Peter wasn't perfect, we had problems and we'd probably still have those problems and it's not like anything's going to happen but-

Justin thinks we're going to get married. He says it all the time and I know him, he means it. But I don't want to. Which makes me wonder why I'm even with him because I'm almost 22 years old, isn't that something I'm supposed to be aiming for now? I just can't imagine my life with him. I would never raise my kids to believe what he does, we want different things, *hell* I don't think *I'm* what he wants.

Heh.. I still feel like I'm going to cry, like this is all overwhelming all of the sudden and I don't know why. Why now?

I... never dreamed about getting married when I was little. I thought about traveling and meeting people and having a job I loved, but not about marriage. It's in my head, it has been now for years, but all that other stuff, I want that too. Justin doesn't understand any of that. He doesn't see why it's important to me to know I can take care of myself, to take a step out there *by myself*. He-

I don't know how to explain this, I'm sorry, it's really hard. I'm so confused about him and it's so hard to know how I really feel when I'm too scared to give up the only friend I have. Even if I wanted to - and the tears start - I can't leave him, I can't be all alone. It would kill me, I don't have anyone else.

Ouch, good luck with the thumb, Mama..Reading your blog makes me glad I never broke my arm too...sounds miserable, but hey, we're all tough enough to make it through...Good Lord knows we've proved it more times than most people.

Well, Spring Break is next week and I'm not even considering going home. My mom has switched back into nutcase mode on me. She. Hates. Webb. Point, Blank, Period. She's going as far as doing a damn background check on him because she thinks he's going to murder me or something and we've been fighting constantly, soooo I'm thinking that it's safer to be here.

My car is in the shop...damn transmissions...it's got over 150,000 miles on it so shit is starting to break...I've been without it for almost 3 weeks now and I don't know how I ever managed without it before because I'm losing my damn mind. It's *supposed* to be done by this weekend so Mom should be bringing it to me and hopefully bringing me Carinn for a few days too. So that will be my Spring Break adventure, unless I decide to drive down to Texas to see Dad for a day or so...sound interesting? Sound Fun? Nah, I didn't think so either.

Where O Where Is Whitter Bug? Girl, Come back to us!!!!

I gotta get going...Big test in Science tomorrow and I couldn't tell you a damn thing about Nuclear Chemistry....

Love Love Love

Tom has high blood pressure - and I have a slow heart, so go figure. I'm just glad not anything too serious. I went to the doctor's today to get my hand looked at. They took some x-rays so I know it's not broken, but the doctor think I might've torn the ligmaments so I'm stuck wearing a nifty little brace.

I had a tremor Saturday - you know what those are, right? I think I've tremored in front of you guys - anyways, I fell and landed thumb first. It hurt like a bitch - I distinctly remember swearing, lots of swearing. Then it swelled up, turned black and basically refused to move. On Saturday I couldn't use my left hand period, everything hurt. But my dad made me put ice on it and I took some ibuprofen so Sunday I got my pinkie and my ring finger back. Now like the whole part of my arm is sort of useless except my middle finger and my ring finger. Everything else is wrapped up too tight or too clunky to do any good. Makes me so glad I never broke my arm.

But *now* I have to go to a 3 hour art class and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I can barely type, how am I supposed to do sculpture??

Happy (teensy bit belated) birthday to Tom! And Peter. I sent Peter a message telling him happy birthday. He... said thanks and re-added me to his list. I don't know, lately I've been missing him more and more.

More later, have to go.