I love you both, I support you in everything you do - except smoking. I do NOT support the smoking. No, I do not.

Every single person I know had the same first semester/year/etc. in college. It seems like no one - not even the almighty Wenxiao, who I haven't spoken to in several months - got it right the first time. And she had been taking college classes half the time she was in high school. Don't f- wait. I was going to tell you not to feel overwhelmed or worried or any of those things, but that's just crap. Feel how you feel. Know you have every right to feel it. Know that you have every power to change it. Seems like crap coming from me, yeah, I know... Just because I have the power doesn't mean I can use it yet. You both know what I mean, or you will once I explain it and, therefore, make some semblance of sense.
*the longest of long thinking pauses*
So many things are so much easier to say to a person's face than leave in cold black and white on a computer screen.
Just because we have the power doesn't mean we can use it. Being a happy, healthy, productive person is probably the hardest thing I will ever do and that's being generous to think I'll accomplish it. I know it's "easy" I want to do something, I want to feel something, etc etc etc. Just. do. it. Three fucking hardest words in the world. I can tell a person I love them, I'm quite good at that, actually. Telling myself to just do it, actually *doing* it... easier said than done doesn't even begin to cover it. And that's the frustrating thing, it *is* easy. I want to go to school. I write up an application, send it in, sign up for classes, go *BOOM* Done. I want a job. I want friends. I want... you can apply it to anything and everything and I guarantee you that it will always be a maddening combination of simple and impossible. It'll *feel* that way, anyway, and that's where Justin gets annoying and I get mad and upset and the whole conversation devolves into a fight into a sobfest.
I am my own worst enemy. Logic should follow that I am also my own greatest ally. Why doesn't logic follow easily and obediently like a good boy?
Why do I feel like all of this would be so much easier if we were together?
Those who can't do, teach, and right now I feel like I fall into that category. I've had very, *very* little success with my life - giant whopping failure that it is - but I'm pretty good at helping other people. And right now I'm mostly rambling so forget about that sense thing I promised.

Nearly every day I see something or hear something that makes me think: "Well, for a little money, I would do that." I keep seeing these holes in society, in different fields - obviously not very *specialized* fields - that need to be filled but won't. Or they will, but for far more money than I would ask. I can't think of a good example, but one that did come up: When I was looking for Bailey I went through a lot of animal websites, you know, breeders, rescue groups, shelters. And they were horrible. Hideous, AOL Homebuilder monstrosities that were painful to look at, literally in some cases. I thought, I could make them pages. I wouldn't charge much, I know a lot of them don't have much money. But having a more professional-looking website can make a huge difference in how you're viewed and I just- I don't know. It sounds silly, but neon colors and crazy graphics can be enough to scare a person off from adopting a pet from a completely legitimate organization. Shouldn't have to be that way.

I'm silly, I know, but there are so many odd jobs that I would be willing to do I just don't know *how* to. How do you start something like that? Or my mom said I should go to the old folk's homes in town and offer computer services. The local place charges $75 an hour even if it's so simple it takes all of 5 minutes. She said $30, but in my head I was thinking $25 - either way... gah.. Do you get the point? Please say you do.

Moving on to more important things (we call her Deborah)
1. Without Damien in the picture, how would you feel about Webb and your situation?
2. I don't think you're uncomfortable with Webb showering you with affection, telling you how wonderful you are, because you're not used to it. I think you feel like you don't deserve it FROM HIM. I don't think your heart is really with him so hearing all that just makes you feel guilty/mad/uncomfortable.
OR your heart IS in it, but your feelings for Damien make you feel guilty/mad/uncomfortable because you feel like Webb is so wonderful and YOU'RE NOT.
3. If your heart isn't with him you should not be with Webb. If you still love Damien you should not be with Webb. BUT Damien is very much in the wrong for putting you in the situation you're in (saying he loves you, trying to kiss you)
4. Damien is either a) still in love with you and wants to be with you or b) wants you to still be in love with him. As for his feelings in option b, they can run the gamut.
5. You should NOT be with Damien until you figure out the answer to at least two of these, okay?

And my spell check should consider Webb and Damien to be words, it's getting very annoying.

I hope your doctor's visit went okay. Either way PLEASE let us know. We both love you very much. And would rugby tackle you and tickle you till you squealed should we ever have the opportunity. Or I would. Whitney'd probably just laugh.

I had a dream. It wasn't really about Peter, I think I was at a party, but I walked into a room and there he was. I ran from him and when I woke up it felt like waking from a nightmare. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe, I just felt. panicked. I get the same feeling every time he comes up in conversation, especially when Justin said Peter might be coming down for his birthday. The thought of seeing him after so long, after leaving each other the way we did... terrified me, it still does and I. don't. know. why. I know he doesn't hate me and he knows something of my life since he's friends with Justin, which is very very weird to me. Weird that they are, and were, friends; have both dated me; and both been the friend while the other dated me and planned for a future together. I love Justin, but I also loved Peter. We can't seem to give each other up and I don't know if that statement is still true or if I should start writing it in the past tense, and that's probably a big part of what scares me. Whatever happens, whatever keeps us apart, as soon as you throw us back together, Peter and I are just hopelessly drawn to each other. It just keeps happening and I don't want it to happen again. Even without Justin in the picture, and he's very much in the picture, I... Peter lied to me. He deceived me and led me to believe something that wasn't true for almost the entire time we were together. I can't go back to that.

And even saying all that, hypothesizing and thinking and I just- it's happening again. I *freak out* It's all internal, but it's like this complete meltdown. Sirens blaring, everybody's running, but the whole place is going up in flames. I had lunch with Justin today. We went to Jessica's (restaurant, not a person) like we usually do on Sundays. It used to just be Sundays after Saturday night parties because it's right across the street from his apartment, but it's a nice place so we've started going more. We were talking and he mentioned that he gone over to Nathan's last night for his birthday. I said something, normal response type thing, he said something else. Then, at the end, he added that Peter (and Tom, but I don't give a fuck about him) had come down for the party. I don't know what I did, all I said was 'oh' but Justin flipped. He wouldn't tell me why, he just said the way I was reacting didn't make sense, something like that, and I couldn't get anymore out of him, he refused to talk about it.

The way he said it, maybe this is just me being paranoid or silly or whatever it is that I am, but he said it like he was testing me. He threw it out there and waited to see if it would explode. It really felt, in a palpable, brace-for-impact-cover-your-ears kind of way, like he was just waiting. Waiting to see if it was a live one or a dud. It wasn't part of the conversation at all, not the way he said it, not the voice he used. I almost wish I'd pushed it, but I know it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I just- it *really* bothers me. I feel like there's something I just don't know, something I *should* know.

I need sleep.