I feel quite alone in the world right now. I wish I could talk to you, see you even more, and I could probably call, *should* call, but I won't. Not tonight. Probably not tomorrow either. I'm working on that, as ill defined as 'that' is.
I... don't know how to say this. Typing is even harder. I hate typing. I hate thinking grammatically. I hate having to *spell* grammatically and dear god when do I ever actually *say* grammatically? And the *s. I have to use them, but I use them way too much. We talked about it, I know, so I don't really need to get into it or anything but it is one of those annoying things that pops up over and over again. Should I * this or italicize that or bold something, maybe some caps... it's. annoying. frustrating. An obstacle. Not a obstacle-to-society-stop-smoking-you-dirty-whore obstacle, but something like that. An impediment. And I know I'm going to have to spell check that. Or not. You get the drift.
The word 'I' makes up far too much of my vocabulary. I hate it. Just wanted to say that and get it out of the way. Okay. *deep breath* Better now. Sort of.
When I was down there I was happy. I felt better. yes, I was sick and sometimes it wasn't fun, but overall I felt better. I've been sick all day, every day since I got back. I've been quiet and internal, neither of which are necessarily bad, but I came back and I was so full of hope, thinking I could finally get out of this rut, out of these feelings, out of this town... and that feeling, the hope, it's slipping through my fingers. I've gone back inside myself because I don't want to talk and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to see Justin that much. Frankly, I don't care either way. And when I do see him I don't know how to feel. I don't want him to touch me. I shrink away from it, I cower and I know he sees it, I know it. I kept telling him to stop - to be fair it was only twice - and felt horrible for it. I've always been like this. I like contact, touching, holding, cuddling, but I don't want to make out every five minutes, I don't want to kiss him during every commercial break. And he wants that. Every guy I've ever dated wants that. As far as I know, everyone wants that. Except me. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I always thought, maybe it's the other person, maybe you're just not comfortable with them. Maybe you don't want to get into that because they'll think they can push it further and you know you don't want it to go further. I thought maybe it's my insecurity, maybe it's the depression, the shyness, the introverted nature that makes me treasure my own space so much. Maybe... maybe there's something wrong with me.
I don't want to panic. I don't want to run away from him now and regret it so I won't. But I don't know when to trust myself, I don't know the difference between what's right, what's instinct, and what's overreacting. What if I am? What if I run and I always regret it? But what if I'm not? How am I going to know? What will change, what'll tell me the truth? I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust my instincts. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any left. Sometimes I'm not sure I have much trust left either.
