Deb, what you said about not wanting to rehash and how hard it is to write.. I don't want to speak for Whitney, but god, that's exactly how I feel. Especially when it's something bad. It's so much easier to talk to someone then to write it all down - right now! right now it's driving me mad! - the punctuation, the spelling, the damn grammar, just trying to explain something when you don't have the other person sitting right in front of you... it's frustrating. You hit the nail right on the head, it's really fucking frustrating. But we deal. Because we have to.

I'm sorry about Beth. I realize that I didn't know her, I don't even remember you talking about her, but the loss of human life is not something I look upon with disdain, I care. And so do you. Different people deal with different deaths in different ways.

I'm hesitant to say the rest of this because I really don't know how to put it into words, not here, but I feel I should at least try.

When Liz died it was devastating. No one knew what to do or how to deal with it, it was such a shock to lose someone so young so suddenly. The entire town came to a screeching halt. People who barely knew her mourned her like a friend, and came together to support her family who had suffered so much (her grandfather had passed away the week before) And I, her best friend of seven years, was fine.

I'm not saying it didn't affect me at all, but.. it was simple. I had loved her so much in life and she had died knowing that. She'd lived a very full life and left the world almost painlessly. I had this, this rational, to explain it, and maybe it does, but for months I beat myself up for not mourning her more, for not hurting more. I should have been devastated. I should have been lost. My life should have come to a crashing halt. And it did. But only for a moment.

I still beat myself up over it now, my logic and my emotions rarely play together, but I know it's not my fault that I dealt with her death well. And here's where you go 'but Beth wasn't my best friend' or 'I didn't mourn her at all' And here's where I have an answer - I always do. Liz wasn't the only one who died in that car accident. A boy named Vern died, too. He was in my class, in fact, his locker was just a few down from mine, but I didn't know him. I didn't mourn. When Adam died the year after that, I didn't mourn. I came to school and helped my friends, but I didn't mourn. Their deaths didn't mean any less, they didn't even mean less to me, and yet I didn't mourn. I said a prayer for them, for their families, for their friends, and I moved on. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm not saying that I'm the measure of what a person should be, god no, but trust me when I say it isn't wrong. You are one of the most loving and giving people I know, about as far from a cold hearted bitch as a person can be. And don't discount that last statement, okay? It's one that I have a hard time taking, I hear it and every selfish, and not so selfish, thing I've ever done comes rushing to the front of my brain screaming, 'No!' You're a good person, not a perfect one. If you were I would be asking where your pod is and what you've done with my Deborah ;)

Should I be sorry about Elizabeth getting married, too? I'm not really sure on that one.

I'll write again soon, maybe tomorrow if I can, and update you on what's going on around here. I think I had a 'breakthrough' last night, Dr. Stewart would be so proud - he looks disturbingly like Gary Oldham - that should be worth sharing, plus news on Dale and Dana, and dates for my upcoming vacation so you guys don't think I've just fallen off the planet. Love! *raspberries Whitters and Deb*

Oh! Ack! Yeah Whitty, thats still the address, lol.

*Sigh* Our little baby is all grown up and graduating high school...Mama, where'd the time go?

*Sob* *Tear*

Wow...where do I start?

First of all, I just want to tell you guys that I'm really sorry I haven't been getting my ass here more often. I really really don't want you to think that you're talking to yourself because you're not...in no way, shape, or form.

So much has been going on lately, it's like I don't even feel like rehashing it to tell you guys. It's like I get on here, and I read your blogs, but when I start to type back it just gets aggravating having to go through all of it again, ya know? But, I'm here, Needing you guys as usual. lol.

Anna, I definitely agree with you're last statement. We talk so little sometimes that you'd think eventually we'd just forget and stop talking all together, but whether its a day or a month, we always manage to get back here...it is pretty amazing. I love that about us...we can just pick up where we left off, no matter how long ago it was.

A girl that I went to school with died a couple weeks ago. Her name was Beth, we met when we were 5 at dance class and were friends until I started going to dance somewhere else. She had cystic fibrosis, and even though we started going to the same school in 6th grade, we never really got close again...I mean, we talked and stuff, but it wasn't a real friendship. Our junior year she got a lung transplant and she was doing great, she went to LSU after we graduated and I hadn't seen her since then. About a month ago, I heard that she had been in and out of the hospital again because her body was rejecting the new lungs, and a couple days later, I heard she died. The weird part was that I went to the wake, and saw her. I hugged her family and prayed over her body, but it didn't affect me at all. I mean as horrible as it sounds, I never shed a tear, never had any desire to and I was more worried about going out that night then going to Beth's funeral. I felt like some heartless bitch or something because I wasn't even worried that someone I knew my whole life had just died. It's so unlike me to just "not-care" about something...but that's exactly what it felt like, just like I didn't care. It worries me.

Damien and I are...well I don't really know what we are, and I'm not sure he does either. I see him about once a week I guess, and I talk to him probably about every other day. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore, but he's admitted that he still does, more than ever, he just doesn't feel right saying it since we aren't together. He feels certain that we'll get back together, but not just yet. Confuses the hell out of me, but ooook. When he's around, we still act like we're together...he says he doesn't want anyone else...he's not even interested in anyone else, we just need a break. I don't get it. I asked him for a break a while back...remember that? It lasted like...2 days. Then, a week or so later he tells me that he wants a break, so I said ok, sure...if that's what you really want, and it led to this. A month of misery. He works at the new Chili's restaurant in New Iberia, and they have a softball team, which of COURSE, Mr. Showoff has to be on. They had a tournament yesterday about an hour away. He called me...asked me if I wanted to go. Then, told me that he would ride with me instead of his friend Webb. He introduced me to all of his friends, winked at me from the field, stayed by my side the whole time he wasn't on the field, kissed me repeatedly in front of people (which is something he doesn't do..ever!) but we're not together...damn male species. Confusing ass creatures! lol. He's just weird, I guess...always has been, always will be, but he knows I love him more than anything, and I know he loves me the same...I'm really beginning to think that he just likes to keep me guessing, or thinking....or confused as the case may be. lol.

Do you guys remember Elizabeth?? I'm not really sure how much I've told you about her, but Rachel, her and I were good friends in high school. I was the settled down one because me and Damien had been together for so long...Rachel was the single one because after Damien, she didn't have another boyfriend until 3 years later when we were seniors, and Elizabeth was the hoe, lol, because she was NEVER without a man. She got married last Saturday...Elizabeth that is. They got married on their 5 month anniversary...can we say INSANE? but anyway..lol, just thought I'd let you guys know that lil tidbit...

Think think think....what else...Oh...we have GOT to get together at SOME point and time this summer...I'm leaving for school in August and I have no CLUE when we'll be able to do it after that...come on guys!!! I miss YOUUUUU!!!!!!

Wow...I talk a lot. hehe. I better get going though, I need to get ready for work.

I love you guys so much! I can't believe that I get to call two of the most intelligent, amazing and beautiful people in the world, my best friends.

Oh yay. Oh good, good, good. I'd lost my internet for a few days there. Didn't miss anything *looks sadly at blog* Almost wish I had. But if I disappear again, that's probably why.

I'll write more tomorrow if I can. There are some really bad storms moving through here and I'd rather not fry my lovely. If can, though, I will write. Even if I'm just writing to myself.

It amazes me sometimes that we've remained friends. In our lives so many people have come and gone, so many things have changed. It's so easy to lose track and forget, to let go and give up. It is amazing. But then so are the two of you.