I think you'll be okay. Everything you're describing seems... for lack of a better word, right. Your whole world is going to change and that's scary as hell, it's enough to overwhelm anyone's happiness. You don't like change, either, I remember that. It's not something you're used to, you've always had more stability in your life and this, this is a whole new ball game. I'm not saying it's going to be bad or hectic or horrible, not at all. In fact, I think it'll be the exact opposite.

I have a lot of faith in you, I always have, and don't you dare roll your eyes at me because I know it's not misplaced. You're a strong girl, an amazing one, really, and this is an opportunity. A new place with new people and new things to start a new chapter of your life. And yeah, maybe that's why it's so scary. You don't know if it's going to be a *good* chapter. You don't know so you'd rather hang on to what you have, just to be safe.

Trust me when I say that playing it safe will only make you miserable in the end. I know what I'm talking about.

This is hard for me. It was hard for me when they got the apartment, it was hard for me when Deb started talking about school, and god help me, it's hard now. I'm happy for you, I am, because you deserve this and I want the best for you, but it is hard. It's hard to see all of my friends move forward while I stand still. It's even harder knowing that they're all younger than me, knowing that, by all accounts, I should be so much farther ahead.

I'm trying to write my personal statement for my college application. Not trying very hard, I've barely touched it and I started late to begin with, but yes, I did finally start. That's something. I'm having trouble with it, though. With the style, in particular. It's too... pompous. It's all 'you're so special!' *insert ass-kissing here* 'I'm so special!' *insert ego trip here* I don't know what to say. I have a list in my head of all the things I can put in it and I'm actually pretty surprised by how much is on that list, but I can't just give them a list. I'm not sure how your admissions work, what kind of essays you have to write or if you have to write anything at all, but any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm struggling with this and I know, I *know*, that once I get it done, that's it. The ball's rolling. I'll send it in, I'll get accepted, I'll start school, I'll be in school, hello momentum, how I've missed you so!

That's what I think will happen, anyway. Either way it's a start.

I'm also working on a new portrait which I will scan and post as soon as I'm finished. It's quite elaborate - I had to pick the old lady - so I wouldn't expect it anytime soon, but I thought I'd share. I've been taking lessons every Friday and I'm just now wondering if you've seen the first portrait? Hmm. I can't remember. It's on the site if you haven't, very bottom of the sketches page, and the new one is better. La! Love xoxo

Snapping is simply something that happens to let other people know that you're tripping out. It's an emotional mechanism that can be hurtful but also help send up red flags to us that you might be on the verge of losing it. And personally, I didn't really take offense to it. I just knew it was part of your pain. I love you very much and you can snap all you like. Hell, throw an infant-like temper tantrum if necessary.

I know Deb can probably help more in the companion department that I can, seeing as how I've never really had a "boyfriend." But even so, take Debber's advice and give me a ring-a-ding-ding on the tele if you need to. I know how we all seem to forget or misplace each others numbers, so here's mine again: Home- 731-627-3046; Cell- 731-676-9078. And I totally feel ya on the fact of us starting to not seem real. Sometimes it even feels like I'm talking to one of those little boxes that you can type short phrases in and it replies with really ridiculous questions and statements. Only ya'lls aren't ridiculous. Most of the time.....heh, just kidding.

I'm suffocating. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and there's nothing I can do. Graduation is coming up in less than 4 weeks and I've let my entire senior year go to shit. I just feel like such a pathetic person. Which deep down, I know I'm not, but having my state of mind, me or anyone else can't even boost my spirits. My mom and I just laid in bed and I cried uncontrollably because the realization that Sarah is moving to Georgia and I'll be without my new angel, Hannah, Clint, Jangus (that's just a nickname, don't worry) & Amanda are gonna be so far away from me at college, and my family, even though they'll be close.....damnit, I'll just be so out of the loop, one that holds all my comfort. I just don't understand why my mind dwells on everything negative. You'd think the fact that I'm going to a good school and studying subjects that I'm passionate about would make me happy. But no, I'm miserable. My mom actually brought up the idea of having me committed somewhere. I'm so confused. I just don't know where all my happiness went....where I went.

And I'm sorry I snapped. I do that when I'm hurt, it's a defensive thing to lash out, and you were the perfect target. Not deserving, just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I love you both dearly, I hope you know that. Always.

I know he isn't doing it to hurt me. I know that he wouldn't purposefully do that. It took a lot, but he realized that was exactly what he was doing. He's not going to stop. This is something he wants to do, something he's only going to do right now and it's the only way he's going to get one of his closest friends back. I understand his reasoning. I think it's wrong, I wish it was different, I would give so much to make it different, but whatever he does, I want it to be his choice. I've always wanted that. I wanted that with Peter, too, but he didn't understand so he said one thing and did the other. I'd much rather be upset knowing what Justin does than have him lying to me, going behind my back.

But he was be completely inconsiderate to me. He wouldn't pick me up in Fort because he said he'd been driving too much lately. It's a 10-15 minute drive max and we hadn't had more than a couple hours together in weeks, all of that in public. This was a chance at a whole day, all by ourselves. The next day he drove an hour there and an hour back to Madison just to get a pipe.

They had a party at the apartment and everybody was going to smoke up in his room, where I was going to sleep, until I reminded him of that very fact. They smoked in Dana's room instead, she smokes so she didn't mind, but it still reeked in the morning. At the time, he didn't seem to care at all. Looking back on our conversation, on the big one that my post was about... I still feel like I don't matter as much. He says otherwise and I believe it, for the most part, but... he just kept doing it, over and over again. I had every right to be angry, every right to be hurt, but I'm not sure if he really listened to me. I'm not sure if he just heard the lecture and ignored the pain.

He is better about it now. The wait and see is going well so far. He doesn't hide it from me, but he doesn't broadcast it either. I asked him to treat it like anything else. He doesn't tell me everything he does and he doesn't keep it all to himself, this shouldn't be any different. I thought that would be the easiest way to do it. I still don't know, though.

He's not going to do this forever, he's always quick to point that out. To which I say, and I'm not going to be here forever.

He thinks he's going to marry me, he really does. I know he wants to. He sees that future for us and I know it hurts him for me to say things like that, but it's the truth. When we talked, argued, I did try to hurt him. I even said as much. But that... that I really mean. It sends up his walls and hits him like a sledgehammer, but I don't know what else to say. I'm too scared to tell him that I don't see us getting married. I hate hurting him, it hurts me even more, so I tell him a truth that's easier for him to hear. I tell him that I can't see my future, that I don't know who I'll be or where I'll go so I don't know where he's going to fit into all of it. I'm not same person I used to be and... as impossible as it is, I'd like to be that person again, be something like her. And I'm not sure where Justin fits into her world.

I never think to call. The longer we're apart, the less real you two feel, and I don't even call the people in my life. But I'll try to remember.

I need someone standing in front of me.

I'm glad your trip was fun. Hopefully, that drive to Tenn. will be soon. I'll hitchhike if I have to, but flying or a train or a bus or a nice sedan chair are more likely ;)

Do you ever think you and Damien might be able to grow together if you let yourselves grow apart? Forcing something so much isn't natural. It's good to try, relationships take work - ie that mammoth thing up there - but sometimes... sometimes you have to let go. Let it grow into something you can hold onto.

Not wanting to talk to us about it, definitely hurts, but It's your decision. I want you to know, that I do know how you feel though. Like if you don't have him, then you don't have anything because thats the way I am. I've never KNOWN anything but Damien, so seeing myself without him seems impossible until you realize that you won't have to see yourself without him. Anna, Justin loves you, and I honestly believe he's not doing anything of this to hurt you.

I might be completely off base with everything I'm saying, but hey, I try. lol. I don't like that you feel like you're talking to yourself though, and what do you mean you have no one to talk to? Whitney and I both have cell phones where you can reach us anytime. You know that we're here for you no matter what. Why can't you depend on us? I know that it's not the same as having someone standing in front of you, but I mean come on...NOTHING comes easy for us, we don't love you for nothing! :)

The trip was fun. Too much driving...never again. lol We'll just go as far as Tenn. and then stop next time. :)

Well, Life with Damien has become complicated again...I swear we could star in a sitcom. We're both older, and growing as people, and just happen to be growing apart. We're both holding on for dear life, but I dont' know how long it's gunna last. We'll see if my perfect little relationship can be saved...again. lol

I'm gunna get goin. You know that I love you both. You know I always will.

Hey ladies. Sorry I haven't been here in a while.

Seems like there's a major crisis going on in the cheese state. I can't even imagine what it feels like for you right now, but you're definitely right on needing more than just him. You can't have everything -friends, stability, love- coming only from one person.
He should be understanding of your feelings but I don't think understanding your feelings means he'll suddenly abide by them. The things he's doing are wrong, but you really can't expect someone to change that isn't ready and willing. Just give whatever is occurring time to fizzle out and don't worry so much about all the what ifs and possibly not being together. You've just gotta have faith that, with time and with a balance of concern (by balance I'm saying, be concerned but don't give him ultimatums), things will work out. I know you probably know all of this and it's probably not helping all that much. Just know that my ears are here because I realize how much you love Justin and how fragile you are when it comes to the ones you love.

Both of ya'll take care. xoxo

(Deb, how was the trip?)