The words I never thought I'd say
Stay in my throat now begging to be let go
Much like my heart
Although I hold on to things long gone
I scream for release
Life can't stay this way
Neither of us are happy together
But I can't let you leave me
I'm not ready to be free

Wondering now if freedom is really free
Maybe it's just loneliness
Nights that were loving and spent laughing
Are now spent alone, crying
I miss you and I want you
But I don't need you and the things I go though
I want things to be like before
But knowing that we can't go back
Seems to be the hardest thing for me to deal with

I know few things about how I feel now
I know that I love you
The words of love, trust, and longing flow freely from me
But what about the ones that say 'goodbye'
Why can't I let you leave me?
Too scared of life after you to think
I've never known anything else
I'm not sure I want to
But I know that I have to say 'goodbye'

I love you both so much. You two always make me feel better. I feel normal now and not so much like a selfish little girl. Thanks for being there. *kisses* no tongue, actually no mouth, just cheek

Her name is Lucille Parmenter. It makes me laugh calling her by that name A: because it's so old fashioned sounding and B: because I only think of her as grandmama. But I'd appreciate the extra prayers. :)

I finished "Why Girls Are Weird" at about 5 this morning. The book was awesome but the ending kind of let me down. I sooo wanted to know what was gonna happen when Kurt came. I'm hopeful it would be all good but I wanted to know for sure. Ick, I'm like some sort of soap opera loving weirdo who thrives off the heat of others relationships.

Shew wee, I smell. I need a bath.

Buggy, if you give me you grandmother's name...Mom and I will be sure to put her on the prayer list at our church...that way she'll have a whole town praying for her :)

We love you

Oh baby...I don't know what to tell you, but you and you're family will definitely be with me and mine in prayer. My Mom told me to give you her love and tell you that we'll be thinking about you.

You are anything but selfish for having those thoughts. I had the same thoughts sitting in the waiting room after my paw paw died. I was upset because he would never see me go to college and that he had never heard me sing, and never saw my little brother play football, he would never get to play with my kids, and they would never know him like I knew him. I wasn't ready yet, he couldn't leave me, there was too much I needed to tell him, and that is not selfish. You have to deal the only way you know how, and hopefully God will give you another chance to do everything that you haven't and let her see everything that you accomplish.

It doesn't make you selfish to want those things for her and yourself, Whitty...It makes you human. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you...in fact, if you WEREN'T thinking things like that, I would be a little worried. You are an amazing person and you care about everyone. There's nothing wrong with wanting your grandmother to see you go through the turning points in your life and be proud of you. And she will no matter what happens, you know that, but I will make a special request to my Paw Paw and ask him to take care of your family.

I love you, Call if you need ANYTHING. I can go kidnap Anna and be there in one day :)

Love Love Love To Both Of You

I don't have much time to write - I'm at Tim's and I've never felt comfortable writing on here with other people around - but I wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers and in my heart, as always. You and all of your family, who have only been wonderful to me.

You're not selfish, you're scared and that's okay. Hopefully, everything will be okay.

At about 6 this morning my mom woke me up and told me she was going over to my grandmother's because she kept fainting. I was so scared. She's very old and with every passing year it seems we always kind of have to prepare for her going. But when my mom got there she said she couldn't breathe at all. It seems she was having congestive heart failure, which I found out was where fluid builds up around her heart/lungs. She got to the hospital after 30 minutes of waiting for an ambulance (Tyler, I, and the rest of our extended family beat the freaking ambulance there. Pathetic.) She's now in the ICU and stable. I was just so scared though. And I'm still scared. I'm so selfish though. I never realized how much I loved her until this happened. I kept thinking all the things she'd miss if she died, like my graduation which is just in months, and then I realized that I'm absolutely disgusting. I couldn't believe that I was thinking about petty things like that. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I just know that I need some heavy rewiring.
You guys pray for her, please. I'm pretty sure she'll be fine for now but I just...I don't know, I want her to be alright and I want my girls to be with her in prayer. Thanks.

I love ya'll so much.

The whole situation is indescribeably F-ed up and sad. I hate to see ya'll's amazing relationship shattered just because Dale has yet to step into his big boy pants. I wouldn't know how to react in that situation either, but I understand now why it was/is at a weird place. Definitely go with your gut and stick to Anna's way and make him dance a little.

Speaking of weird. Today I started reading "Why Girls Are Weird." When you suggested it way back in the day it sounded like a winner. So I got it for Christmas. I can't start books until I'm ready to devote myself completely, so today was day 1. And let me tell you, hilarious. Very Very Frea-Kay though. The whole Anna K-athleene, best friend Dale, moving with her dad's job, being all intelligent and a good writer like you. Didja write a book and you're just not telling us?! It's just way too coincidental. Anyhow, I'm having a great time reading it.