Justin's grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. He has a year. They're very close. We just found out today and I'll do everything I can, but I'm really not sure what comes after this. He just dropped me off and now he's going back to the apartment to tell Dale and Dana. I'm not sure how well that will go; Dale can be insensitive and he's been drinking a bit tonight. I hope it goes well.

Dale... there was a party - these things always happen at parties. It was their second house-warming party and Dale had been drinking. Dale has a tradition of calling one of his sisters every time he gets drunk. It started by accident, but he's turned it into a 'tradition' - I think it's because it would happen anyway and he feels less like an idiot this way. So he went into his room and called Michelle, but ended up talking to her husband, Frank.

Dale hung up and was walking out of the room, I guess the alcohol slowed him down, because he broke down sobbing right as he closed the door behind him. Dale doesn't cry. He doesn't, especially not in public. Maybe that's why I was the first one to get to him.

He curled up on the floor, sobbing, and I stroked his back, whispering to him that it would be okay. He kept trying to get up only to fall back over again and I stayed with him as we moved back into the room - his and Justin's room. He started to choke from all the crying so I asked, very quietly, Dana to go get the bucket just in case. He started to get his breathing under control and he was letting me stay with him until Dana asked him, rather loudly, if he thought he was going to throw up. That broke the spell.

Dale got up, kind of staggered around, and snapped at Dana. We all kind of ran out of the room and he shut the door right behind us. He came out a few minutes later loudly proclaiming that he was *fine*, just *fine*. He started putting on different CDs, playing a song or two from each, sometimes not even a whole song before switching to something else. All of them were angsty or depressed, nothing happy and upbeat like the music he'd played the night before.

Then he walked over to me and handed me a CD jacket, pointing to one of the song titles. I took it and he walked away without a word.

As I Lay Dying
behind me lies another fallen soldier

i want to bring you all that is in my heart
i want to give you my everything
but i've failed you so many times
how can i stand here before you
when i begin to steal what only belongs to you
i am able to bring you nothing that isn't already yours
i am so ashamed of what i ever called my own
take what i have, take these broken remains
what can i give you that you don't already deserve
you laid down your life when i refused to give mine

I freaked. I was unhappy already, too much drinking, too much chaos, too many annoying people - yes, Olga, that means you, you stupid ho - so I just walked right out of the apartment. I went downstairs and stood outside for a while, just so I could breathe. Nicki came down after me because Justin thought I was going to walk home - he also thought I was mad at *him* - and Nicki was the only person who could drive me. I didn't leave, but we ended up having a pretty long talk. I was just really confused and mad at Dale for doing that to me, I didn't know what to tell her. He ignores me for months, treats me like crap and now this? What the hell?

Later, after Dale got sick and Dana had to take care of him, after Justin, Olga and I went to Toppers - pizza place - Dana... she talked to me about Dale. She said that he misses me, that he misses his best friend. She said there's a lot more, but it's his to say and he wants to, but he doesn't want to do it drunk. She said that she's trying to be his friend, she's trying to be there for him, but she doesn't want to be me and she doesn't know what to do.

I asked her why every girl in Dale's life has always wanted to be me. I don't remember the answer. I'm not sure I want to.

Dale's continued to ignore me, blatantly and rudely, ever since.

I've decided to let it go. I'm going to continue to be nice to him because Dana and Justin are important to me, and I don't want it to be an issue. I'm going to follow those gut reactions that had me running to be at his side, even if they're telling me to ignore his pain. I'm going to trust myself and let it go because I'm tired of his shit, I'm tired of this little dance he makes me do, so this time I'm going to play by my rules. That's the plan.

I do want one for my wallet. Just for shits and giggles. It'd be great to pull out a certified looney card if I got pulled over. I'd just be like, "Look officer, it's okay, my poor driving is explainable."

I do remember Tyler being mesmerized by Peter's comp. He likes looking at things that he doesn't have, and all guys like to think their electronic savvy. I guess his fascination does prove to be questionable as to whether or not he really has strong convictions about Macs or not.

I do have a pamphlet of guidelines for my new medicine and I'm sure their's some for my old. I'm pretty sure that you're not supposed to drink with them but I think I'm so untouchable that I do it anyway. I know it's not smart and I really can't explain why I do it. But as far as public drunkenness goes, it's not cool even when you are of age. I was just having a little immature fun, which yes, could have gotten me a citation or community service, but I was willing to live a little. (We need a theme park around here.)

What's newly developed in the saga of Anna and Dale?

I remember Tyler when Peter visited. He was *in love* with Peter's Mac, thought it was the best thing ever. I have pictures.

You're not crazy. Not until you get a little certificate that says 'You're crazy!' Then you have to frame it and make a smaller copy to carry around in your wallet.

Gahh... no public drinking!! You can do it at home or somebody else's, just please don't go places or drive, that's all I ask. Wait till you're of age for the public drunkenness, and by 'drunkenness' I mean any drinking at all whatsoever, not just being completely hammered.

And check your medication, okay? Most depression medications have serious issues with alcohol; it isn't safe to be using both at the same time.

Have good things. Both of you.

I'm in the market for a new computer as well, but I'm not sure what I'm gonna get. My cousin is all about me getting a Dell because he says he can max it out with everything and it'll be the best computer ever. I think he overestimates his computer knowledge. I don't know what I'm gonna get though. I've never had a Mac but I remember Tyler saying way back in the day that they weren't any good. Maybe they've gotten better. I'll look into those though.

My psychologist has now suggested a new drug for me to try. Lithium. He says it causes less of a weight gain, so I'm all about that. So far I've been sleeping like crap but strangely enough I've been more jolly. Jolly's a fun word! *teehehe* Yeah just disregard me, I'm crazy and I've got the pills to back it up.

I noticed that your site was down a couple weeks ago. I thought you'd taken it down without notice and I wept. Okay no, but I did say out loud, "Umm, what the fuck..?" And then I got really ticked at the 'IncrediFind' page that kept coming up saying it couldn't find the page.

I'm sorry I disappeared in times of negotiation for the trip. I just felt deep down that Spring Break wouldn't work, but I guess I should have expressed that to you two. Summer just works so much better for me to travel.

I did have two great things happen over Spring Break though. I saw David Copperfield, who was mind boggling, and I got to see mostly all my friends which hasn't happened in months. I even went to see "Dawn of the Dead" with Sarah and Orren, and I thought it was a scary movie but now I'm not sure if it really was, due to the fact that we were sipping down gas station pepsi cups filled with juice and vodka. I know...*tisk tisk* you don't have to say it. But it was all really fun never the less.

I'm glad that you're pushing to start school, Anna. That's awesome.
Deb, are you still gonna go to wathcamadoodle up north in the fall or have you changed your mind?
Hopefully I'll be at Union in the fall but only God knows.

Arrivederci ragazze belle
xoxo

Okay, that's weird... they open just fine on my computer so I'm not sure what to tell you. But yay for being the best! Go me!! Go the wallpapers page, 'right click' on the page you want to open and choose 'open link in new window' I have no idea if that'll help or not, but it's worth a try.

Oh hell, I think my lip just split. Damn it. Stupid dry weather. I'd curse Mother Nature, but I saw the sun today and I'd rather not get on her bad side.

Otherwise you can try doing the direct links to the wallpapers themselves. For all of the Amy Lee papers just change the number ie. p01amylee02.jpg, etc. Everything's organized like that so if it works you can open up whatever you want, you just have to change the name to what you want ie. amylee to orlandobloom or lotr.

http://www.fighting-light.net/images/gallery/gallery_p01amylee01.jpg
http://www.fighting-light.net/images/gallery/gallery_p01evanescence01.jpg

I can't believe I have so many wallpapers, especially with how many unfinished ones I have lurking on my harddrive. But I've also got over 100 icons and counting and only a handful of those are posted anywhere on the web - I have a LiveJournal. I'm not sure if I want to add those to the site, but when it was down a couple weeks ago I seriously contemplated turning the whole thing into a graphics site. That's what most people like anyway and it's the thing I'm most likely to update, it feeds my Photoshop addiction, and once I get my Mac I'll probably go nuts making stuff - Macs are *so* much better for graphics.

Oh yes, I'm buying myself a computer. I've decided that I'm starting school soon - please god let that actually be true - and I'll need one for that, and this one has been unstable at best so it's time to get a new computer. I'm still debating between the laptop and the desktop computer, but I don't have to make a decision for a little while, not till after the Mac fair when the new models are introduced and the prices of the older models go down. Justin's laptop is a few years old, three I think, and it's still top of the line. A good Mac is a super computer. I shit you not. Certain countries are not allowed to have them because of what they're capable of, they're that powerful. Amazing, amazing machines.

Every 'computer person' I know has a Mac. None of them have ever complained about their computers. None of them have ever mentioned their computers crashing. Macs simply don't do these things. Macs are awesome. *starry eyes over wonderful computer*

I need to go to bed, though. Big ol developments in the Dale Situation. New found Taoist nature. Fears and cheers and more than my fair share of tears, but like I said, bed. Bed now, blog later. This goes for you two, too. If you still use ICQ, let me know when you're on. I never use it anymore, but I know sometimes it's a lot easier to 'talk' to someone than to write it all down by yourself and I love to hear from you guys any way I can.

Heyy, whats up my chicas?! Not too much here, just got home from work actually.

Mama...None of your wallpapers come up on fighting-light...maybe its just me, but you click on a name and its just an empty page...I've looked and looked and LOOKED and I can't find any other Evanescence wallpapers that I like, yours are the best...I need I need. lol

Whitters...you want to negotiate meeting and then you disappear! LoL...a little late now, hun. Where ya at? What ya doin?

Goin to sleep now...work early tomorrow
love love love

Please come back.