Happy (slightly belated) St. Paddy's Day to one and all! Just remember, Patrick was a saint, but I ain't!

And I have the t-shirt to prove it. Love!

Blah... more people *coughYOUTWOcough* need to be computer dependent... like me.

(Or I could go out and visit my old friend Mr. Sunshine)

Wait. No, I can't. Partly because it's 9:26 pm and partly because it's MOTHER FREAKING COLD! WE HAVE NO SUN!!! It disappeared, run away, died. I don't know, but it's not here anymore, no siree. No, the great state of Wisconsin believes in clouds and snow and rain and sleet and more snow and more clouds and DEATH!!!!!!

(I used to love 'miserable weather' Then it started making me miserable. Cruel irony.)

I'm babbling. Ignore freely.

Umm... my life is... I don't know right now. Dale, Dana and Justin are moving into their apartment Friday - they've already painted and moved all the furniture and everything - and that's been really hard on me. It still is, but I'm trying to suck it up and ignore it mostly. I just- I feel like they're leaving me; I feel like this is one more thing that I get left out of, that everyone else gets to have but me; I feel like even more of a loser and a reject for still living at home at the ripe old age of almost 21; I feel... lost. broken. I feel that hopelessness that I thought I'd finally gotten past welling up inside me, spilling out and I want to scream because it's my fault, it's all my fault and I'm not doing a goddamn thing about it.

And now I'm being the fucking drama queen again.

I don't know anymore! I don't know what's okay, what's understandable, what's overly dramatic, what's being hard on myself, I don't know. I- I'm stuck inside my head and I don't know how to get out.

I wish I could take it out, 'I don't know', just get rid of the phrase, never have to say it again. I wish I could make it okay, I wish I could be unsure without having to be so scared.

There's all this chaos inside my head, and I just- I feel like if I could just get some of it out I might be able to make sense of it and fuck that isn't what I wanted to say... I never end up saying what I want to say. There *is* chaos and I *do* want to get it out, but it's like water and when it's chaos there are waves crashing over me and I can't swim, I can't breathe, I just drown. But if I can get some of it out, if I can calm down, if I can think straight, the waves die down and I can keep my head above water. I can keep my head above water, but I still can't see land.

I don't know what to do with my life. So far all I've done is waste it and I hate it, I hate living like this, I hate myself for living like this, but I haven't done anything to change it. That's what hurts the most. I know it's me, it's not the migraines, it's not anything else but me holding me back and every time I say it, every time I think it, it just cuts me right to the bone. It's my fault that I'm so unhappy. It's my fault that I'm not in school. It's my fault-

I have to stop. I- everything I was about to write, everything that's still in my head, I believe it's all true, but I know... the more I think it, the more I say it, write it... the more I'll believe it, the more it'll hurt me.

So I'm torn. I don't want to lie to myself, I don't want to make things seem less than they are or better. But I don't want to hurt myself either, I don't want to beat myself up for this. I already have, a hundred times I already have. And that's why I don't know anymore. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I getting off easy? I don't know. And I feel like I'm killing myself trying to figure the answers.

A very bipolar post. *sniffle* I don't usually write those, not on here anyway, but I've been crying through almost all of this and it felt honest. It never seems quite right to say I'm crying while I'm crying, but now, now it's right.

I'm going on The Pill! Not sure if I mentioned that before, but long before the pregnancy scare, Justin and I decided to would be best not to have until I was back on birth control - I love that the first three times I tried to type that I wrote 'bitch' instead of 'birth'. We figure 99% with birth control, 97% with a condom, we're pretty set.

I'm... sort of with Whitney. Yes, to branching out. I know you love Damien and I completely respect that, but there's nothing wrong with keeping an open mind. Doesn't mean you have to break up with him this minute and date other people, I'm just saying. Yes, to not basing everything on a 'repulsive doof' - I like the wordage.

But.

Yes and no, to meant to be. I know, I know, I've always been an advocate of the whole 'meant to be' thing and I still am, but I just want to make it clear that you can't rely on that. You're a smart girl, you probably figured this out ages ago, but you can't do whatever you want and trust fate/destiny/serendipity to throw you and Damien - or whoever you're meant to be with - you can't expect it to throw the two of you back together. Like I said, you probably know all this, but I'm the mom, this is my thing. Do what you need to do. See the world, try new things, meet new people, but never just trust everything to work out in the end because it's 'meant to be'.

I think we've screwed ourselves over again in the whole visiting thing.

Why is life sad, Whit? Why is it confusing? What is Xanax? How's your health doing? How are the spots? Why aren't you sleeping well? Is there anything we can do?

*hugs her Whitney* You are my favorite Whitney.

*hugs her Deborah* You are my favorite Deborah.

You're the only ones I have, but if I had a hundred, a thousand, a million - it'd still be the two of you. Love.

Big "whew" on the pregnancy scare. Things woulda got crazy.

I'm glad that you've at least branched out Deb. Maybe Damien is the right one for you or maybe he isn't. One repulsive doof can't set the pace for all your other future relationships. Like you said though, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Damn that college all to hell. Money grubbing little bastards.

My Spring Break officially starts today and runs through the next two weeks. I know I know, I'm slightly late on informing ya'll, but maybe we can work out the schedules this week and visit next week?

Life's sad and confusing. I love Xanax. I wish I would stop waking up before the sun has risen.
Love my girls.

I'm... going to write back soon. Promise. Will sleep first. And procrastinate. With a vengeance. Love!