Ooo! New motto, want to share new motto. Here goes: a work in progress is never a failure.

Good? Bad? Chibbihana?

Also working on a new song, very strong Amy Lee influence, still me, though, and that's going along slowly. It's one of those where it just sort of pops out and then you don't know what to do. You've got this great verse, chorus, hook, whatever, but that's it, nothing else. I don't know what I'm saying or what the song is really about, I'm just kind of rolling with it. It's a wait and see what happens kind of song.

I hum. I sing. I hope. This is my grand master plan.

Then I record and type because lord knows I'm not going to remember it on my own.

(And chibbihana is basically 'cool', 'awesome', that kind of thing, but more laid back, almost like 'sweeet' without the surfer aspect.)

I care. I worry. I believe in potential and fulfilling it. I've seen a lot of good people waste themselves on stupid stuff and it sucks. I'm surrounded by all these wonderful people and I don't want them doing that to themselves. It's also something, one thing on a very long list, that I don't share with them. I'm not a part of it. The stories and everything, it's just not the same when you're on the outside looking in and, yeah, I probably wouldn't be partying it up even if I wasn't sick, but at least I'd be there enjoying everything with them.

So basically, you're spot on.

Total sense, really getting it right, keep going.

But I'm a grown up... oh hell, why do you have to remind me? I'm already looking into Botox, this is the last thing I need ;) Yeesh, I still call people 'adults' and have to pause because, hey, wait, I'm an adult, too! Freaky.

Say it with me! Anna Kathleen! It's a name *built* for yelling.

I'm sorry you had such a shitty week, I know how that goes. Drives you nuts, too, because you're right, nothing changes except the way you feel. Hopefully, the good feelings will stick around for a while. Cinnamon rolls help, too.

How do you like your new psychologist? You said you were changing, other one was a bastard, and then you mentioned talking to the new doctor, but nothing else. The reference you made seemed like a good one so I'm hoping this doctor's working out better than the last.

Love for Deb and hope for her health since nausea is the death of us all, evil, evil thing. Just try to remember: nine months of hell for many, many long years of happiness. Go to EvanWhisper.com, download the old Evanescence music, it'll make you feel better. I have it on my computer, it's basically the only thing I listen to, sad as that is. I need to burn it, though, and my burner doesn't want to cooperate. Little bastard.

Kisses, hugs n more!

I know what you're saying and feeling. That's why I have to take medicine to get to sleep, otherwise all those things that you desribed woud keep me up watching advertisements for the Ronco Food Processor and numerous weight loss pills.

I have two analyzations on the matter. Be patient and understanding. If I get off the mark too far don't smacketh me.
Okay- one reason you get upset is because ya friggin' care about them. You don't wanna watch them destroying their bodies and minds, tripping on schrooms and other drugs. It makes them seem like losers and it's a big risk to their health.
Okay- the second reason, and this is a way out there possible reason, is that you're a grown up. You've been a grown up for quite some time. You never let your hair down to party back in the teenage days or even now. Maybe it's really not your cup of tea, but deep down you somewhat wish you weren't so scared of everything that they aren't. Maybe a part of you is angry that they're so care free.
I get upset when I hear about my friends doing drugs but I've started to cope with the fact that they're going to make they're own decisions with or without me. And usually it's without me. Mainly because as you get older you stop caring what everybody tells you because your turned on to all the ways of the world. All the hardache and hardships. So damnit, you're gonna do what you wanna do. And somehow Anna, I think you being so strong drains you sometimes. Because the world is mostly shit and you know that. (Somehow I got way off track but it's still making sense to me.) So anyway, I don't know if I hit any key points but let's discuss your feelings more and build on our thoughts. Because you don't deserve to have this frustration eating away at you.

Deb, I'm sorry you're so sick. It'll pass and things will be better soon. I love you muy mucho. Write back to us soon.

Last week for me was a living hell. I felt so terrible. Physically and mentally. I just shut myself out from everything. This week is starting out to be a little better. And the weird thing is, nothing's changed. It's so fucked up how from one day to the next you can feel so different. Well anywho, I'm gone. My cinammon rolls await. Love to my sistas!

(You shall suffa for taking my format Anna Kathleen! Muahahaha!)

Now I don't know what to say. I hate when that happens. Feel better, Deb. Hugs to both of my girls.

Do you ever have those nights when you're tired, you want to go to sleep, but you've got all this stuff inside you, thoughts, feelings, whatever, that wants to get out. You can't sleep like that, it's too much nervous energy running around your body and I hate it because, really, sleeping is exactly what I need and want to do.

I just want to talk to someone, too.

I would've stolen Justin, I wanted to, but his truck is in the shop so he was depending on Dana for a ride home. I love Dana, I do, but I really don't know her that well and it wasn't the sort of stuff you talk about with anyone less than a best friend. Not in my world, anyway.

So I would've taken him and it would've been easier really because then I could just talk instead of all this typing nonsense. I really hate typing when I want to talk, it leaves you feeling very unsatisfied and that's just not fun.

My computer is making computer noises. Machine noises, really, and I think it's my printer, not my computer, but I'm tangenting and I shouldn't do that, not when I'm already complaining about the amount of typing involved.

I... where to start? I don't know where to start. I'm upset. Upset and angry and frustrated and sad and more than a little irritated by all of the feelings I just listed.

My people. Okay, my people, Dana, Dale, Justin, those people, they do stuff. They drink, they smoke, they even got some schrooms for Dale's birthday. And it drives. me. nuts. I'm usually not even around when this stuff happens, I usually hear about it afterwards, but it's really, really upsetting and I feel like a complete idiot that it bothers me at all. Why should I care? v

(interlude in which I push the wrong key, ICQ opens up and I freeze the computer trying to shut off ICQ. I talk to myself, sing a bit under my breath and that's where this happens)

I'm going to bed. I'll try and be good and talk to you guys later, you and Justin. I need someone who's outside of it, that seems important. Night.