Kisses and well wishes. Love love love too.

Sick...nothing new. Just sick. No sleep. No food. Just sick. Read blogs, comment later. Love Love Love

I'm stealing the Whitney form so ha! Just try and stop me!

A: Christmas... I don't know what to say, people always complain that I'm hard to shop for and it's rather hard to argue. If I can figure it out, computer genius that I am, I'll send you guys a link to my Amazon wishlist. You don't need to get something from it, mostly books and CDs, but it should give you some ideas. That's always the hardest part about shopping for you two, I'm not around you all the time so I don't know what you like, don't like, can't live without.

Also sucks just because I'm not around you. Need to work on that.

B: That would be absolutely, wonderfully, perfectly amazing. I want to be there, I really, really do. Never thought about it before, but yeah, definitely.

C: New Years would be awesome. I think I spent last New Years playing cribbage with my dad, listening to the Monster Mix on MTV2. Surprisingly more fun that it sounds like, but I have a feeling a night with the two of you would be much more fun. I can even be Deb's sober buddy because, really, I don't need the alcohol. That's what I've learned from my party going experiences this summer, I just don't need it. Can't have it, bad with the medication and all, would most likely kill me, but I swear... I'm crazy enough as it is. I have one soda and about umpteen million glasses of water, but no one would believe that if they saw me, I just get silly and crazy and have fun.

Plus Justin has a high enough alcohol tolerance for three people - so German - and half the time he thinks that not only am I drunk, I'm drunker than he is. Silly boy.

(I eat a lot of potatoes to make up for the lack of alcohol, gotta pay homage to those Irish roots

'An Irishmen is never drunk so long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.'

It's good to be Irish)

D: A big head to match a big heart, doesn't sound to bad to me :)

E: I'd like to know that, too. I'm not sure what I wrote that's scaring you. My only guess is the Rei blog - that's what Justin calls it, it.. I'm too lazy to explain.

F: You don't have to make it peaches n cream. That's not how life is, but that's not how it should be either. It's not about pretending things are okay or talking everything to death, it's not about getting drunk or high or just plain reckless just to get by. Life isn't about just getting by. Life is about life and everything life is, good, bad, ugly, all of it. It hurts and it tears and it drowns you in this despair that seems impossible to escape, but the truth is, there's always a way out. I know I've felt like there wasn't, I know I've been overwhelmed and broken down and honestly believed that there was nothing else, nothing better, no light at the end of the tunnel, but that's just not true. Not exactly, anyway. You have to be your own light and when you can't be, well, then you have us just like we have you. You, both of you, are my strength. You really, truly are, and I'm thankful for it. But this.. I don't know what to say because Liz is the only death I've experienced and I handled it remarkably well. And I beat myself up for that, that it didn't hurt me more, that wasn't hard enough, but I know now that dealing with it well doesn't mean I love her or miss her any less. It just means that I'll be able to continue with my life and share all the wonderful things she gave me, the memories, the courage, the strength. And she'll still be here. Through me and everyone else who loved her, everyone else who thinks about her and remembers her, she's still here. We're all different people because of her and that's what really matters. She changed my life, she really did and that's not something you can just lose.

And to break from the Whitney form, I feel odd doing this after the last paragraph, but you asked so here it is: the O'Connor family Thanksgiving. It was quiet. My aunt, uncle and cousin were down in Alabama. My cousin Shawn was on leave from the Gulf for Thanksgiving so they drove down to celebrate with him and his wife, Tracy. Tom couldn't make it down with work - he works at a radio station doing promotion stuff - so it really was a quiet Thanksgiving with all the 'loud' people missing. It was just me, my parents and grandparents on my dad's side. My mom's family all live in the south so we don't see them much. My dad's parents live about three blocks away.

My mom decided that five people just wasn't enough to slave over a hot stove for hours. We got Thanksgiving dinner, lunch in my family, from Sentry, a grocery store in town. It wasn't bad, but my mother is a great cook, I love her food, and it just wasn't the same.

My parents invited Justin over for Thanksgiving dinner, which I thought was very nice of them. They also invited him to my dad's 50th birthday party back in September and we'd only been dating for about a month at that point. They really seem to like him, not all that surprising given how good he is with adults. I keep saying that and then realizing I'm an adult. It's weird. He couldn't come, though, with his own family's celebration. They were planning to have Thanksgiving at his grandparents house in Germantown - about an hour away, I think - but his grandmother had surgery and they ended up celebrating at the Fireside, instead - it's a dinner/theatre place about 15 minutes away, very nice.

Justin thought I was going to be invited to his Thanksgiving, too, his parents had always been nice to me, but... I don't think I told you guys about Mrs. Farrell and Justin's mom.

(I keep saving this in Notepad. I'm completely paranoid that Blogger is going to eat it and then I'll have to shoot myself because there's no way I'm writing this all over again from scratch.

Let's see if I can dig up my e-mail to Wenxiao so I don't have to write it all again... Yes, I'm remarkably lazy, deal with it. Just have to change a few things and it should work)

Mrs. Farrell is the crazy compulsive liar who taught Government. She told Justin's mom, who's also a teacher, a lot of very malicious and cruel lies about me. She said I'm manipulative, that I'm not really sick, that I'm certifiably crazy and so is my mom. I also found out that she used to talk about me with her classes when I wasn't there, which I don't doubt for a
second because she did the same thing with another girl in my class. Justin's mom... sort of believed her, I'm not sure how much or what, but some of it sank in. She knows about what happened with Molly and really, she's just be protective of Justin. I know that and maybe that's why I took it so well, but it really, really upset Justin.

Molly is Justin's ex-girlfriend who basically lied to him the whole time they were together and cheated on him so we don't like her much. She had this nice little exterior, but started to wear down and you could see what a bitch she was, she was the manipulative one, she lied and cheated and everything else. That's why I understand the protectiveness, to a degree, anyway.

Wenxiao seemed to think I was upset, I must not be very clear with my tone when I write, so I just wanted to make it crystal: It didn't bother me. It still doesn't, which is really strange, but true. It made me think about things, things I've been thinking about for a long time, and see them in a different way because it wasn't internal anymore, I wasn't trying to convince myself, I was trying to convince her. This is, of course, all in my head, but you guys probably think about
conversations and stuff, too, so I don't feel too weird. The end result was a happier Anna and that's always a good thing.

Plus, I thought his grandmother had died and that's why he was upset, so stupid Mrs. Farrell lies where actually a relief.

I don't have a sister? No idea where your getting this from, but I can guess and say I was probably referring to Wenxiao. I do have a quarter brother even if he's not technically related to me. He's my half brother's half brother. Tom would be my half brother, Mike, I think his name is, would be Tom's half brother, hence quarter brother.

Anna....you have a sister? Slap my ass and call me Susie.

A: Christmas is entirely up to you. I think it's more fun if you're spontaneous with your gift. And this year I have buckled down and I'm going to send gifts. That's one thing I always felt guilty about in the past. I would pass by so many cute things to get ya'll and then I'd be like, "That just takes so much energy to pack and ship. It means I might actually have to go out in public to the post office and get stamps and a box and interact with people." Granted, I'm a freak, but my good friends in the circle of psychiatry have helped me overcome my freakishness. So yay, gifts this year.

B: I wanna be there when my niece or nephew is born but we'll have to see how the schedule goes on into the summer. It is in the summer right?

C: I would looooooovvvveeee to get together for New Years. New Years to me is always so depressing and having you two around, no matter where we are, would make it a heck of a lot better.

D: Why am I rocking so hard? You guys are gonna give me a big head. Ah thank you. (Sorry, I realize that last statement was perverse but it had to be done. It was the signature Austin Powers Goldmember moment.)

E: Why is Anna's blog scary. I have concern. I must check it out.

F: One of my friends from school, who I wasn't extremely close to but I knew him somewhat well, got killed the day after Thanksgiving. I just kept telling myself, "He's a senior. This is his year. He's gotta graduate and go on with life and be happy. It's not true." But when I got to the visitation Sunday night it was very true and very difficult. His mother was a wreck. She wouldn't let them put make-up on him. He still looked good though. But I went with all my friends, so we were all there together. All experiencing the same tragedy. A tragedy that could happen to us while we're still together now or after we're graduated and away from one another. When we got through the line and walked down this hallway out in the open I just lost it. It's just not fair, life. In any form or fashion, it's just not fair.
So needless to say, I'm in a daze. One where I want to just die. When just watching TV I can't even breathe right from all the anxiety. So I've been abusing my Xanax. I know it's not the right way to deal, but what is anymore. You can do all the talking/therapy in the world and the blows will never stop coming. I can't get off my ass anymore to make things peaches n cream and then have them turn into shit once more. I just can't.

I have much love for my girls. You two keep me strong. This blog keeps me strong.

*crosses fingers* I really wish my Anna and my Whitty will tell me what they want for Christmas this year since I've looked and looked and thought and still got nothin.

Hmm...did I type that out loud?

Oh My Go....sh. Almost made a boo boo...Whitty would fuss. but anyway, I'm in a really really good mood tonight because for the first time in ummm, almost a week, I'm not throwing up. Go me. But yeah, I didn't get lucky enough to have morning sickness, I get all the time sickness, Damien has learned to stay away. lol

Thanksgiving was ok, saw the family, ate some Turkey(why did I capitalize turkey?), watched football with Damien's family. Turned out to be pretty spiffy, was only sick for about half of it. :) Damien is just positive that it's a boy, so he has me playing video games and watching sports so Jr. can get a head start. lol. Its cute because when he kisses me bye, he has to bend down and kiss my stomach too. We're dealing though, as best we can. He's been really great about helping anyway he can, making sure that I eat right and sleep enough. Looking for a better job at the moment because he wants his son to have everything.

I can't tell you guys enough how grateful I am to have you with me through this. I was really worried that you would be disappointed in me and I might lose you, must have forgotten for a split second that you are angels. :)

I would like to second the Whitty rockin the kasbah motion. *raises hand* One of the very best rockers of all time...Not too many people can rock that hard girl...accomplishments accomplishments. Even though you have weird ways of getting your rocks off. lol...porn and a body full of holes...gotta love the Whitter Bug.

Um...Mama? Been reading the blog, and I think I'm scared...do I have reason to be scared? Cuz um...yepp, definitly scared. Worried too, can't forget worried. I don't want to say too much about it, because I'm not really sure that I understand any of it...it just worries me.

What are you guys doing for New Years? We had the whole trip to Shreveport, party thing planned with Damien, but um...pregnant people don't really do too well with the partying, especially when there is drinking involved. I was thinking about making a road trip *wink wink* but Damien doesn't want me traveling ANYWHERE alone, and I'll have to see about work and the car, and all that jazz, but it's a work in progress. Oh, and...I wanna ask a favor. We aren't really sure of the due date yet, won't find out for sure until my next doctor visit, but I would really like you guys to be here with me, if possible. :) You're my sisters. I love you.

Gotta go...it's late/early. Need sleep.

Love Love Love

RITFLMAO! Someone is playing the role of the bubbly and hyper queen cheerleader. Thanks for the big ups on my comments. Wasn't really trying to save a third world country but I definitely got the praise equivalent to doing so. I'm glad I rock the kasbah. Even when I don't feel like I'm rockin' I guess I am. Gracias Senorita Anna. Muah.

A Big Heyyyyyyy Hooooo *with a full upward arm extended sway of course* To My Debbers.

Did you each have a decent Thanksgiving? Mine was pretty swell. My dad actually came over for both meals. (We have lunch with my mom's side of the family and dinner with my dad's.)