Well...I needed some answers and I got them.

I'm pregnant.

Good luck baby.

I said I'd come back later and 'ta da!' here I am.

Thank you, Deb, for your opinion. I decided, though, that it should be taken down. That was my instinct and I went with it. Finally. It was honest and it was something he needed to hear, but my blog is not where he should hear it. Hearing it there would only make him stop listening and that's the last thing I want. He already feels like I'm painting him out to be the bad guy with all my angry blogs and I think having it voiced 'publicly' would've hurt, too.

I talked to him today. It went well. Long and rambling, serious and silly, but well. I think he almost cried at one point and that's... that's something because he will not cry in front of people, he just won't, and the fact that he was close to tears really tells me something. One is that he's actually listening to what I'm saying and being affected by it despite all of his efforts not to feel or care anymore, and two is that he still cares about me, he still trusts me to some extent or he wouldn't have shown it at all.

He did leave, though, at a point where it seemed like he was leaving more because it was his breaking point than because the conversation was over. I hugged him goodbye and asked him to think about what I said, a lot of it dealing with how unhappy he's been and how he's shut down and given up on the world, on his friends, on himself. I see so much of me, of what I went through, in him that I have to try. You know how I am, if I can help then that's exactly what I'll do.

Okay, now back to all the 'me' stuff that I promised to answer.

Draco is adorable and I want to see Prisoner of Azkaban like you wouldn't believe. I will give Alfonso my first born if he makes the whole movie as gorgeous as the trailer and his previous work - A Little Princess and Y Tu Mama Tambien, which Whitney should love, it's 'film masquerading as porn' and completely wonderful. This has nothing to do with me, but it makes me happy. He made my little paper crane.

You're not the dirty whore. I'm not the nun. Whitney is the sexy one. I had a random thought that she could not be the priest who molests little boys but that whole train of thought was righteously fucked so I let it derail and go out in a blaze of glory.

Too graphic. Not a necrophiliac. *shudders* elch... nasty... But I got your point so the Cell flashbacks weren't in vain. Thank you.

I... let's see... I regretted it because I did it more to do it than to do it with him and I've always believed in sticking to people you care about. I care about Dale, always have, but it's never been like that. I also regretted it because I know it probably made the whole Dale's in love with me situation even worse. But I feel like it broke down part of my Berlin Wall so that part I don't regret at all.

You're doing really well so far :) I feel better, more comfortable. Course Justin is helping out a lot with that, too. That and my new 'outlook', as he called it.

But this weekend I'm a hunter's widow so that kinda sucks. I won't see him til Sunday. And I won't be able to go gambling and watching the Chippendale dancers with the other widows. Oh. darn.

Yes, me, too! On the dad thing. We make time to talk to each other now and I try to do most of my stuff during the day while they're both gone so when they get home I'm free to socialize instead of being stuck down here on the computer. It scared me, too. It scared Wenxiao. She called me before she even finished reading the e-mail and that really helped a lot.

I want holes! I want piercings and my tattoo and possibly another tattoo I'm considering for the small of my back. It's a Celtic knot of a salmon, the salmon of knowledge, and I got it from a necklace I have so I have something to show them instead of some vague idea in my head. Heh. When we get together - when! not if, when - we should all go get something done. Not like the same thing, not necessarily, but just something, it would be fun. We could bond. Even more than we already have.

You know, even if I wake up some day and go 'What the hell was I thinking liking N Sync???' I will still love them for giving me the two of you. Boybands and crazy people, that's how we got together. Kinda fitting, isn't it? Hot men? Pretty music? Mild insanity? Furry woodland creatures?

Big ups to Squeaks and Mr. Boo!! Woot!!

Kisses for my girls. No tongue, just love. *huggles*

*hugs*

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning...

Wish me...luck? I don't know what I'm wishing for.

Love you guys
Night

*big ol long distance hug*

Liz didn't look like herself either, but it gave me a certain sense of peace. The body was just a body, everything that made her her, that made her Liz, was already gone. That part of her was sitting there beside her grandfather, who had passed away the week before, and her grandmother, who died when Liz was young, watching all of us. That part of her was sad, seeing so many people she loved in pain, but happy at the same time. A lot of people pulled together and a small town got even smaller. We took care of each other, leaned on each other, shared in each other's loss. That's why I cried at her wake. I cried because I was looking at all those flowers and all the people, thinking about the outpouring of love and support, and I realized that she never knew. She never knew how important she was to people until she was gone. But she knows now and she loves us and watches over us just the same.

My greatest comforts when she died were that it was quick and that she knew, without a shadow of doubt, just how much I loved her. You cared about Mr. Doug. He knew that and he knows it still. He's probably sitting up there, looking at that body, going 'what the hell'd they do that for? silly people making me look all "presentable" just because I'm dead' He's calling you ugly old broad, just wishing he could wipe those tears away. And he will. Just give it time.

I love you two. I know we say it a lot, that's just how we are, but I needed to say it again. Love with your whole heart, love like you've got nothing to hold you back and you don't care. Love like that and you'll never have regrets. Pain and heartache, sure, but those things fade and go away. Regret never dies. It never makes you stronger or better or more.

Just remember that. I'll try to, too.

I told Stefan the other day to be himself with a vengeance. I think this is kind of the same thing. Scary as hell, but always for the best, for the best life, for the best you. I'm saying all this into a mirror, I really am. That's just one of those things I love about having friends, it gives me so much strength that I never knew I had until they needed it.

Let them know. He loves you, you've said that and I can't believe anything else. Whether it's a false alarm, or the real thing, he needs to know, he needs to be a part of it. Do what you can. Take a test, go to the doctor, anything to give you some peace. I know it's a lot harder than that, but the extra stress can't be good for you and it's always easier to take something when you know what you're dealing with. We're both here for you, but there's only so much we can do with so many miles in between. Talk to him. I can't promise anything, but I really think you should.

I'll write back on all the me related stuff later. Like I said before, desperately in need of sleep. I just happened to have something more important and I can talk about me anytime. Love you.

I don't know Dale well enough to say too much, but from where I'm sitting, it looks like you said everything that he needed to hear to open his eyes, whether he's ready for it, likes it, or not.

I love you guys...take care

I feel your computer pain and will write more later, but I need to sleep. Please read Dale blog over on my site. Might be a topic of conversation since I'm pretty sure I just screwed myself over completely and yet I'm still posting it, go figure.

Someone get a ruler and slap my hand...bad Deb, I have got to come here more often, MAKE time for it, because the ass-end is not usually where I like to be, it smells down here and thats always where I find myself. I miss so much. Gotta make more time to talk to my girls and visit with good ole' Draco up there...isn't he the cutest?

I'm not gunna comment to much on Mama's "sexual indiscretions" cuz then I would feel like I'm sitting here giving sex advice and that would be bad because if you wanted sex advice, you'd ask, since I'm the dirty whore of the group. I will say one thing though, don't worry about not being good, Justin loves you, and you could lie there like a corpse and it would still be great. (Sorry was that too graphic?) But anyway, whenever you two decide to..."do it" just sounds stupid here, but it seems to be the only thing that'll fit and won't make me sound like a sex-ed teacher, it'll be fine.

I'm a little confused about the whole fooling around with Dale thing. It's really great that you and Justin talked about it and got it all out in the open, but ok, no sex, no oral sex...if you wanted us to know all the gory details, you would have told us, but thats not as important as how you felt about it...I mean, was it a good thing, or something you regret terribly, I'm really glad Justin can understand it, but you never said if you do or not and what it meant to you.

I remember the first time Damien and I talked about his "history." I remember thinking, "Oh My God, he's going to kill me," and "He's had all these girls, what does he want me for?" But we joke about it now...I always tell him that he was a hoe and I saved him from disease. It's hard to be insecure about his past when he looks at me and tells me he loves me.

I'm very proud of you for opening up to your Dad about the things you were feeling. I know that you probably wouldn't have said anything to him or maybe even us 3 months ago. *Big Hugs* It really scared me when I read that, but I'm glad that you talked to us and him. I'm proud.

Whoa, Whitty done went hole happy. lol. Thats awesome. I really wanted my tongue pierced, but Damien really hated the idea of it, so I was stuck between, "It's my tongue and if I want a hole in it, I'll put one," And respecting that he loves me and will love me either way, but it would really bother him if I did that and realized that it wasn't near as important to me as he is...so yeah. lol...waiting on that one. I am having ink withdrawls though..its been almost a year since I got my first tat and I want another one...BAD.

Hmm, I think I covered everything...if I didn't, let me know. I'm the typing queen tonight considering the fact that I've lost and had to retype this blog three times already. lol...now, lets move on to whats going on in my life...dum dum dummmmm

I was gone all weekend, I don't know if I told you two about Mrs. Betty and Mr. Doug. They live in Alabama, and they are extremely extremely close to my mom and I...Mr. Doug used to be my Dad's boss and ended up like another set of wonderful grandparents. Mr. Doug died Thursday afternoon and Mom and I went to the funeral. I had never been to one before and it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life. It didn't even look like him, I've never seen his hair when it was fixed, he always had it messed up and I've never seen his mouth closed. lol. He was one of those people that if he DIDN'T pick on you, you needed to worry. He used to call me an ugly old broad and I'd call him an ugly old mean man. lol, I loved him so much and I miss him so much. The last thing that he told my Mom when she called last week was to take care of his baby girl, and make sure she's happy. He was sick, I mean, the man only had half of one lung left after cancer and we knew it was coming, but it didn't make it any easier to see him, lying there like that. I stood over him and kept crying and whispering for him to get up, to stop playing this trick on me, it wasn't funny, get up, you ole ugly man, I need you. It didn't happen...he just stayed there. We buried him and I latched on to his youngest granddaughter, Shanna, she's 2 years older than me and we practically grew up together, I had seen her in almost 3 years, but I grabbed her and we collapsed on the ground, Mom had to come and help us up before Mrs Betty saw, it would have killed her to see us like that...

Other than that...life has just been about work, and Damien, and getting my ass to college. Oh, before I forget, what do y'all want for Christmas??

And here goes the kicker...I'm sitting here crying and shaking, I've been fighting myself back and forth whether or not to tell you guys this, but I need to, I need you guys. I'm two and a half weeks late. I've had a scare once before, but not like this...I mean, I'm on the pill and we use protection, but I'm late...I'm not really sure what to do. I know that I need to get to the doctor, but I havent told Damien yet and I'm not quit sure how to get to the doctor without letting anyone know. Guys, I'm so scared.

I need to go...please write back...I love you guys.

Oh My God..I just blogged guys...big long, meaningfully huge blog, and it's all gone...damn computers!!! Die all of you! Give me time to try and write again...stupid, mother...sonofa...computers!

What's weird about the 'sexual indiscretion' is that it was reversed yesterday.

Several months ago, Dale told Justin about how we'd fooled around. They were both drinking, I guess it was 'guy talk', but whatever. Justin remembered yesterday and asked me about it. He seemed almost scared, nervous, like he really didn't know how to say it. He didn't want to betray Dale's trust, but he needed, for his own piece of mind, to know if what Dale told him was true or not. It was.

I never told you guys about that. In fact, I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't sex, or even oral sex, but it was more than I'd done with anybody else. I'm not sure what else to say since saying exactly what happened might be a bit of an overshare. I think you get the idea. If I'm wrong, just ask.

I was really up front with him, though, when he brought it up. I think he was afraid of offending me or something, but really, it was the same thing. If we hadn't had the conversation about him having sex with that girl then I probably wouldn't have been so understanding, I wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind, and I told him that. I think it also helped him understand my reaction to his 'indiscretion' - I feel weird saying that without the quotes, it seems too dramatic - and that's always a good thing, the understanding each other thing.

It was crap and it wasn't. Bringing something like that up is hard, it's just not the kind of thing that you pull out of thin air, it's not like, 'Oh and by the way, I had a one night stand with some girl. Could you pass the salt?' I don't blame him one bit, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It still pulls the rug right out from under you - makes me think of those cartoons where the character runs off a cliff or something and keep going because they think they're still on solid ground, and then they look down. I looked down and I fell, but I'm a cartoon character. I don't splat and die, I get back up again. I already have.

'...there's a part of you that's not satisfied with believing in past relationships and how over they are, and what the sex meant to him, it's just blah.'

I'm not really sure how to respond to that. Past relationships really don't bother me, especially with him since he doesn't have many and his only other serious girlfriend turned out to be a lying ho. Lying ho's just aren't that threatening, not when that's how he looks at them. What the sex meant to him, well... I - damn the overshare - he told me I'd be a lot better than either one of them just based on what we've already done. I'm still scared I'll be horrible, though. There. *scrunchy face* This is just weird.

Dale called me because he didn't have anyone else to call. Yes, it was still mean and cruel and completely uncalled for, but that's the only explanation that I can come up with. Justin was his best guy friend and he couldn't really tell him since Justin's also friends with Ana's ex-boyfriend Joe. Joe's trying to get back with Ana so that would've put Justin in a weird place, friend-wise, about what to say and what not to say. He couldn't call Chad over in Iraq, it's not a conversation he could manage with Dana and Adam is far too sexually retarded to share something like that with. So he called me. Bastard. Now that was an overshare. Big time.

I've practically given up on him, but I have no idea what's going to happen. No matter what we do we still have the same group of friends and we still live in the same small town, it's not like we can avoid each other forever. I'm just going to let it go, that's really all I can do.

I talked to my dad about the whole 'alone' thing so I think it'll be okay now. It was just one of those dark spots that like to overwhelm you despite the fact that they really shouldn't be overwhelming since you've been doing so well. I am too, I just have those spots. No Dr. Phil needed, just some really good friends and those I've got.

Yay for piercing! I need to re-do the one I had at the top of my ear. Then I have to make my parents disown me because I'm getting a tattoo whether they like it or not. I crave ink. Ink is good. Pretty.