I'm such a ninny. Oy...
Anyway, this is the blog that I wanted to post on Tuesday, but didn't because Blogger ate some of it and I didn't want to take the risk of losing all of it. I switched over to my trusty Notepad, wrote it all down and saved it, then I didn't get around to putting it up because I was tired. I said that before, but yeah. This might be a little confusing if you read the blog from Fighting Light. What I'm about say comes first, the FL blog comes after, and there's even more now, but I'm trying not to overwhelm here. Or take the spot light. Personally, I'd like my life to pause for a bit so I can find out what's new with my chicas.
Of course, life doesn't do that, so I digress.
The Tuesday Blog by Anna O'Connor aka Mama aka Sexy Sexy Bitch
Your synopsis... oh, that is the Whitney I know and love!
Dale's trippin' balls over... It makes me smile.
Oh, Whitney. My precious, precious Whitney. My favorite and only Whitney. It... is
not your fault. I am all about seeing fault and making sure it's dealt to the right people. I'm all lady of logic and sense, and I will tell you right now that it is not your fault. I've been there. I'm not saying your hole is my hole or anything like that, I'm definitely not trying to talk about myself rather than you, but
I've been there. Not your fault, not even close. Maybe I don't know everything. Hell, I'm
sure I don't know everything, but I know that. I'm not saying this because I'm your friend - though I very much am. I'm not saying this because I'm a nice person - something most people agree on, but others debate. Stupid others. I'm not even saying it because I'm doped up on drugs - which I am, but am so used to that it doesn't really matter. I say because I know. I'm pretty sure your brain is sending out all those 'she doesn't
really know' signals, but trust me. Ignore them. Trust me. Anna knows.
Unfortunately, she only knows when it comes to other people. I'm still stuck on what I'm going to tell Dr. Stewart tomorrow about my friendship with Dale, my new relationship with Justin and my slight sadness that Dana, my only female friend up here and someone who I think I could be very close to, has left.
Dale... came over today to drop off some shirts that he borrowed god only knows how long ago. One of them I know he wore to school so that should give you an idea. And before you go thinking cross dressing let me assure you that both shirts in questions were actually jerseys, one of my old soccer jerseys and one of my dad's old rugby jerseys. He... I think he came just to drop them off, but I asked - told - him to stay, said that I wanted to talk. So we talked and I haven't a clue if we're any better off than we were before. He said he'd been thinking about it all week, 8 hours a day watching people swim - he's a lifeguard - and that's all he's thought about. He didn't say much, though. He fidgeted a lot, and for Dale, that's really a lot because he's naturally jumpy. He made faces, got up and sat down, walked around a bit and randomly laughed, but I think the talking was pretty much 50/50, maybe a little more on my part. I just kept saying, in my head, don't get angry. Keep your mind open and listen. And that's what I tried to do.
From our conversation, this is how I think things stand: He's upset about Justin. He says that his opinion shouldn't matter, that it's my life, I should do what I want to, it's not a big deal. Translation: He's upset about Justin. End translation. He says, though, that Justin isn't the main problem, he's more like the last straw. He...
I'm going to have to put words in his mouth to fill in the blanks because he didn't seem to want to say things directly. I'm not sure if it was nerves or discomfort or what. I am pretty sure, though, that I'll be filling in all those blanks correctly.
He loves me. I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. I'm the only thing that's kept him sane these last three years. These are his words, almost exactly as he said them. He said it's always been this way between us. Translation: he's always wanted me to be happy
with him. He's always loved me as more than just a friend and thought that eventually it would be him. End translation. But I picked Peter over him. Now Justin. He knows that it's never going to be him and he can't ignore it anymore.
He doesn't want to go through that again, what happened with Peter. He was looking through me at Dana's party because he felt that he couldn't talk to me without it turning into a big scene and he didn't want to do that to Dana. In his defense, Dana doesn't deal well with conflict, it's very hard on her, which is one of the reasons it took me so long to do anything. I pointed out that he could've just told me. Not exactly hindsight, either.
He doesn't feel guilty about anything that happened that night. Not about the way he treated me or what he said when he was drunk or even the fact that he was horribly drunk at all. I didn't agree with this decision. The way he treated me was purposeful and cruel, and he drank that night knowing full well how angry and aggressive he can be when he's drunk and in a bad mood. When I tried to impress upon him how serious the situation had been, he said that Justin and Dana hadn't made it out to be a big deal - with a silent addition that that was exactly what
I was doing. Dana wasn't there, she was asleep by that point. I talked to Justin the next day and he... it had scared him just as much as it scared me, but he hoped that in making it out to seem like less that maybe it would
be less. Like if you pretend it's not there, it'll go away.
I can tell you, without an ounce of melodrama, that I wasn't sure he'd make it through the night. I constantly checked to make sure he was still breathing because I was terrified that I'd look down and find that he wasn't. Justin felt the same way. Even if we hadn't talked about it later, the agony on his face was enough to make it clear.
Justin... he was so scared and he felt so helpless, and watching all this playing across his face, in his eyes, I wanted nothing more in life than to make it better. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I didn't say it. I comforted him as best I could, in such a way that you would think I'd done it so many times before. You would think that I was used to seeing him so vulnerable, that I was used to that privelidge. I'm probably one of the few who can say that they've
ever seen him in such a state.
I wanted to say it, though, that I loved him. The moment it came to me it felt like truth. I felt so certain and it was so strong. It shocked me even then, but I was too busy to really notice it until later. It's still there in some ways, but my brain keeps trampling it down. I haven't known him long enough, well enough, whatever enough, to love him. My heart just doesn't agree. I made a compromise, though, for the sake of harmony: I'll grow to love him. I can be certain about that and make both of them happy, heart and mind.
I've gone a little far afield, but I don't know what else to say about Dale. He didn't leave angry, but he didn't leave the way he usually does, either, with a hug and a kiss. I don't blame him. I'm just hoping that there's some way we can find a middle ground. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. But like I said before, I'm not sure that I can have both.
And so concludes
The Tuesday Blog by me. In a strange side note, I had a dream where Justin said that he loved me and I just kind of looked at him like he'd read my mind, then I said I loved him, too. This is strange because 1) I almost never have dreams about the people I'm really close to, 2) we actually do have this weird thing where we're thinking the same thing at the same time and 3) I've told you guys about my dreams, my dreams are wild, crack ass things and this, this was almost normal. Very, very strange.
And the Whitney line? The precious, precious Whitney line? That was actually really sincere and not sarcastic at all. I thought it might come off that way and I don't want it to because I'm saying it in a really loving, my Whitney
is precious to me kind of way.
And this new set up still confuses me. I'm used to having to scroll to the end of an entry to get to the edit link and now it's at the top so I every time I go to edit I get half way through the blog before I realize that I have to go up, not down.
I've read through this at least a dozen times by now and I know there are still errors and things missing, but enough is enough. The monster blog ends here. Now it's your turn to talk.
