I still miss Whitney.

Damn you, Whitney! Why do you have to be so lovable? I wouldn't miss you so much if you were a total bitch!

Damn it all. I miss my Whitterbug.

I haven't written anything in a really long time, but this just came out today while I was exercising. And don't worry, it's mostly in retrospect - it's not how I feel now - but it's still really honest. It's not done, I think there will be one more verse at the end, I'm not sure, but whatever. Tell me what you think.

I wake up every morning
and dress up to play pretend
a false version of who I am
so ingrained I can't remember
where it ends and I begin

I spend so much time hiding
from the world that I
just can't take their praise
pretty, talented, kind,
how much of that is fake?
what would think if they could see
more than just the surface,
beyond the clothes, behind the mask,
to what's deep inside?

what I like, what I hate
it doesn't really matter
am I real, am I fake
it doesn't really matter
will they love, will they hate
it doesn't really matter
because that's not a chance
that I'm willing to take

dressing up in mother's pearls
and high heels far too large
I play at being a little girl
when in truth I am far from
free from responsibilities
yet also free from fun

I choose to be alone
sequestered from the world
thinking there's no choice
and run away from those who love
because of that little voice

Insecurity grows stronger
where it once whispered now it shouts
a little voice inside my head
that's making its way out

do I want, do I crave?
it doesn't really matter
I can rant, I can rave
it doesn't really matter
will I give, will I save?
it doesn't really matter
because that's not a choice
that I'm willing to make

I love you, too!

Yes! No more convent! Screw them! I'm not religious enough anyway.

He is awesome, but I'm still not sure. We have all this stuff that we don't agree on and that could be a problem. I thought it would be before, Dale and I even joked that if Justin and I started dating we'd probably kill each other with in the first week.

But I like nothing if not a challenge.

Peter, as much as I would like to believe otherwise, was pussy whipped. I could've told him to jump off a bridge and he would've done it. He never disagreed with me, he never challenged me, never made me think. It got boring. Fast.

Justin doesn't back down. He has his opinions and he argues them well, but he listens, too. If you say something he'll take it into consideration, he might even change his mind. He's respectful of other people's opinions, even when he doesn't agree at all.

But he called today about taking me to Dale's party tomorrow and was all adorable. Adorable just isn't a word I would've used with him before, but it fits there, if not in the normal way. He just... he's a strange cookie. I don't even know how to describe him, he's just Justin.

And I yell at people who say 'you're Anna' like it's some kind of explanation. He's Justin. I'm Anna.

Oh yeah, that makes sense, she says, rolling her eyes.

Oy.

*Hehe Excited Dance*

Ahh, that is SO cool! I'm so glad you got to be just Anna for a night and get major cuddling and therapy at the same time. And Justin pretty much sounds awesome, and thats really great that y'all could be so comfortable with each other like that...I'm just really really excited for you, Mama.
*Does Another Happy Dance And Sings* I won't have to visit Mama in a convent...I won't have to visit Mama in a convent...lol
I can't think of anything else to say, other than I'm very happy and excited for you...and deserve every little piece of happiness that comes to you!

I love you!

Okay... let's see... I'm not sure how to explain this because I'm not really sure how it happened in the first place. And I was the sober one. You would think that if anyone knew, it would be me, but no.

So... yeah... Can you tell that I have no idea what to say? Because the little dot thingies, the periods, they have a name that I can't spell right now - that would be your first clue.

Okay. One at a time. I can do this.

*begins mentally chanting 'the little engine that could'*

I might have to take back what I said about Justin because of what happened Sunday - Saturday, too, plus a few other things, but it really comes down to Sunday. Sunday was his party, his 'my parents aren't home' party, which is a pretty popular reason for parties. Now, like I said before, I was the only sober one there and usually I'm not there at all because when you go to that kind of party, you don't drive home. And me? I usually need to go home so up until a few days ago I pretty much stayed away from the whole party scene. Not because I didn't want to be there, but because I thought that I physically couldn't.

I decided to try on Sunday because Adam was leaving late that night - he had work at 8:00 am - so I would have a way out if I needed it. I also figured that, in the event that I started going downhill, I could go off to a different part of the house, some place quiet, and take my meds.

And, miracle of miracles, I was.

*pauses for a moment*

My computer froze so everything above this line is all copied from the original and everything below it is brand new. I realize that I could probably re-write the stuff up there, make it less babbly, but babbly is how it came out and babbly it shall stay. You don't mind, I don't mind, there's no real reason to change it.

*sighs and says goodbye to the moment*

Onward march.

Justin is not a physical person, not in an affectionate way. He gives off that 'don't touch me' kind of vibe. Some people you just feel like hugging and others you never even think about hugging them, and that's the kind of person I thought he was, a non-hugger. I was wrong. He was extremely affectionate with me and it was all really comfortable, like we'd always been like that, it had that feel of familiarity. It just felt... right. I'm not saying that it was, but it certainly felt that way.

He said the only people he's ever physical with are the people that are really important to him.

Dale... time to explain drunken Dale, otherwise the giggling thing doesn't really make a lot of sense or have any kind of importance. When Dale drinks he's either really happy and fun or he's ticked off and moody. He can change from one to the other pretty quickly and it doesn't always take something big to set him off. So Dale, he comes into the living room where Justin and I were curled up on the couch together, and starts giggling like a crazy person. He just found the whole thing to be insanely amusing. He must have because he came back a few more times and left giggling each time.

He did have a period after that when he was all moody, but I think the two of us was only part of that because his girlfriend was supposed to come and then she had to cancel at the last minute. He doesn't get to see her a lot and that's been a problem with them for a while. It really bothers him, and I think that's where most of the moodiness came from because later he pulled Justin aside and, from what I can remember of what Justin could remember, he basically gave his blessing.

I almost lost Dale before because of something very similar - the whole Peter fiasco at Chad's going away party - and him laughing was exactly what I needed. I needed that blessing.

So the party went on, people got drunker, and I remained sober as ever. Most of the people thought that I was drunk, but I was just letting the silly free with the help of some caffeine and crazy friends. I ended up going to bed around 2:00 am, I think, and ended up in Justin's bed because Dale had already claimed the brother's bed and Joe was passed out on the futon so there weren't any other beds left. I popped out my contacts, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. I don't know how long it was before Justin came to bed, but not too long, maybe half an hour or so. He went through his whole night routine and got in beside me. When I fell asleep I was a good bit away from him, with my back to him, but when I woke up next we were spooned together perfectly. He was holding onto me like I was the world's best teddy bear and once again it just felt right. Normal. Familiar. Comfortable.

Oh, and for the record, I am a very good kisser.

The End.

So we're changing our minds about Justin? So we might not be a nun?? There was CUDDLING...I want cuddling! Damien's all non cuddle these days. I'm wondering if I even wanna know why Dale giggled. lol...maybe Justin is good enough for you??

I'm going out on ledges here...workin for it!! LOL
Love ya!

Umm... what I said about Justin? I might have to take that back.

Cuz... yeah. That boy cuddles like a mofo.

And... Dale giggled.

This... makes very little sense, but I'll explain with a little bit of prodding. Gotta make you work for it.

;)

I miss her too!