I hate it, too. It's strange that way. You spend 12 years wanting nothing more than to finish school and be done with it, then when the time comes and you are free, you feel lost without it.

I don't know, I think contentment is right for you, just not with this. I think when you're really content, it won't be standing still. You might be doing one thing, but it'll be something that keeps you moving and learning and growing. You need that, or at least, I know that I do. I want to know everything, try everything, do everything, so for me contentment would be in challenging myself, constantly moving in some way. Some people just want stability, they want to get to that point and just sit there. It's different with us. We still want to get to that point, but just because we're there doesn't mean that we're going to stop, we'll always be a work in progress and that's a good thing. A happy thing.

I... do believe it sometimes, that I'm a burden, blah blah etc. bad things here. But there are other times, times that are becoming more common, that I remember exactly what I give back and am happy in that knowledge. But I'm going to explain something, something that will hopefully help you understand me better and understand where all this is coming from.

I'm very much an all or nothing kind of person. I don't mean that I do absolutely every, single thing that I can, or nothing, but that that is the way that I judge my actions. If I'm not doing everything I can to help myself get better than I feel like I'm not doing anything, or maybe just that I'm not doing enough. That's why when people tell me how proud they are of me for getting through this I can't take the compliment. Getting through school, dealing with all the pain and the doctors and how it's all affected my life... because I'm not doing everything, because I didn't fight through the pain and go to school as much as I possibly could, because I didn't do homework every time that I felt good, because I put it off so much, because because because... And I hate it. I hate that I can't take credit for the things that I have done. I hate that those accomplishments are swallowed up by the guilt of not doing more. I hate it, I really do. I feel like if people knew the truth, if they knew everything that I knew, that they wouldn't be saying half the things that they say.

I asked Dale once if he would want to have one person in his life that knew all of his secrets. He thought I was crazy. I would want someone like that, though, someone who knew everything. Someone who knew and still cared.

So I'm going to tell you something. Not everything, I'm not that brave by half, I don't think anyone is, but something. Something that I've never told anyone, something that grates at me to this day whenever someone mentions school.

I cheated.

In Economics, that horribly boring, stupid class that you have to take, taught by a teacher who hated me. But he didn't matter much, I only went to class about 5 times during the semester that it lasted. It was boring, though, and stupid that we were required to take it, but I still feel like I'm making excuses saying all of this. Because I cheated. I was given a different course curriculum than normal, a series of books that I had to read through, and at the end of each book was a test. I was supposed to take the tests with my tutor supervising, but I never did. I could put that off claiming that I hardly ever saw my tutor, but that too has the feeling of excuse. I could've taken them with her if I had wanted to.

I read through the first book and when I took the test at the end - I think I did it early to practice - I couldn't remember anything. It just wasn't sinking in at all. I could hardly make myself read it in the first place. Those books are among the most boring things that I've ever read and at that time I had a hard time making it through my favorite books because I couldn't concentrate - once again, excuses. So I cheated. I took the test, by myself, and looked up all the answers. I don't remember any of it now - that could just be my general memory, it's shot to pieces - but at the time I learned more from cheating on the tests than reading the books, and I did actually read some of them, bits and pieces.

Heh... this was how long ago, and I'm still freaked to be telling you, you, who would never ever judge me horribly. Everybody cheats eventually, doesn't make it right, but it's still true. But this wasn't a test or a paper, this was an entire course.


I've been carrying that around all this time. It's one of the biggest reasons that I can't take compliments about school. It was the only class that I did that in and it haunts me to this day, overshadowing everything else that I did do. Because I did do a lot of work and I did do it by myself, without a teacher, or even a classmate, to explain it to me. I did 'A' work when 'D' work would've gotten me by - I was on a pass/fail system instead of letter grades. I refused to drop extra classes, and I paid for it, but every last one of them had to be ripped out of my hands.

I cheated on a Physics test, too. I accidentally got the test in my homework so I went through the whole things and studied all of that before I went in to take the real test. The real one was a little different, if I remember correctly, but basically the same. It's still cheating, but it could be worse, they both could. I could've just had an answer sheet and filled everything in, but I actually had to go through and figure out all this stuff. It was basically like an open book exam.

Little voice inside my head is screaming, Excuses! Excuses! Excuses!

It sounds like a siren.

I don't know, there it is, make of it what you will. I'm still not feeling good, I haven't sick for this long in a while, three days straight now without it dying down at all. It does help to talk to you, though. The computer bothers me, it always does, too bright, but if I can get lost in what I'm doing it's not so bad so thank you. You said you wished that you could do more, but I want you to know that you're already doing this, providing a much needed distraction from the pain and that's more than most can claim.

Thank you, Mama. Thank you for saying everything you said, I really appreciate it. College is definitely something I want, but I'm not in any hurry, ya know? I feel like I'm just at a stand still, wanting nothing, content and I hate that. I've never been content with my life before, I was always working for more, needing more, there was always a goal just out of my reach and forcing me towards it, but now. I'm content...It's just not right for me.

I'm sorry you were feeling bad earlier...I hope you start feeling better soon, I really wish there was more I could do. And don't you dare think that you're a waste, that you don't give anything back, because you do...you give everything you can, you just don't realize it yet. You do everything in your power to help anyone you can and that is one of the things I love the most about you. Don't lose that, and don't forget it.

I love you so much, take care of yourself
Later, Mama!

MMhh... day started pretty well and then went severely, and rather suddenly, down hill. Suddenly like, in the space of 10 minutes, I went from driving home - with my dad, obviously - singing along to the radio to curled up in my bed with as much drugs as I could get, flinching at even the slightest noise, trying desperately to curl up tighter, away from the pain.

I'm a little better now, though I suspect all this time on the computer hasn't helped much. I just laid down for about an hour before dinner, took what other medication I could, and got some food in me. Taking medication on an empty stomach is worse than taking no medication at all, trust me. Dinner was definitely necessary so I was almost happy that my dad had a meeting since it meant we were eating an hour earlier.

Worked a little on the database, mostly happy entries this time, and spent way too much time in Photoshop playing around. I swear, Photoshop will be my undoing. If I ever get my hand's on the new version - version 7, I have 5.5 - I may disappear down here to my cave and never come back. I can live off beer and wine and Coke. Maybe. I have frozen food over in the other side even if I don't have a way to cook it. I have a feeling it would be better to try living off the liquids than to try eating a raw piece of meat.

Hugs and kisses and happy smiles and laughter, too. To all of us, even me.

College is all student loans, and grants and scholarships, if you're willing to put in the time to get them. A lot of the scholarships are pretty piddly, but like they say, every little bit counts and lots of little bits add up to one big chunk of change that you don't have to pay, the bigger, the better. The guidance office at my old high school - oh do I feel old saying that - had filing cabinets full of scholarships just waiting to be won. I'm not sure if you had those at your school, or if you can even get to them now, but it's worth a shot. There's also a website that you can go to. You fill in some forms and it spits out a list of scholarships that you're eligible for and e-mails you every time a new one comes out. I had several pages worth and I'm probably one of the most un-scholarship-y people out there with my ho hum grades and complete lack of extra curricular activities.

College out of state is expensive, isn't it? But Wisconsin has like a partnership thing with Minnesota and Illinois, I think, that let's you go on in state tuition instead of paying extra. Does Louisiana have anything like that? Also, if you want to go somewhere out of state and you don't want to pay out of state fees, you can always establish residency. That was always a concern to me when I first started looking at Western Washing ton because I didn't want to pay twice as much to go there. I doubt I'll ever go there now, but it did teach me that and there are websites that will tell you what it takes to establish residency. Usually you have to live in the state for a year without pursuing any kind of academics, be registered to vote, get a new license or license plate from that state, etc. etc. Well, not so many etc.s, it's actually a pretty short list. I know that putting another year off before you go to school might be a problem, but it gives you time to save up extra money and if it's the difference in going where you have to go and where you want to go then it's definitely worth it.

You aren't stupid. Lord knows I would never put up with you if you were stupid. I would've bitch slapped you up the head. No, you, you're quite extraordinary in ways that I can't begin to catalogue, but can claim with great surety. You're my girl. My smart, sassy, kick ass girl.

I do understand, though. For all my big, supportive Deborah talk, I completely understand because that's how I feel, too. Not so much about putting off college, though that grates at me more than you can imagine. It is about school, college and high school, and it's also about work and society and feeling like I'm just not a part of the world anymore. I try to stay positive, but I have that niggling voice in the back of my head, which comes to the front from time to time, that I'm just a parasite, a pariah, that all I do is feed off the people around me without ever giving anything back. I'm better about it now because I am trying to do things. I help around the house as much as I can and I have my daily chores, too. I work in the garden every day, sometimes for hours, and I've started doing some volunteer work. Right now I'm working on a database for a historical society, plus I do the website and the calendar for my (former) church. It helps, but it still isn't enough, you know what I mean? I don't know. I guess I'm just a worker bee, when I'm not doing anything I feel like I am nothing. Harsh, but decidedly true.

Lord but, I'm going on at length, aren't I? Silly hands, they don't know when to shut up ;)

I should mention that I write as I read. I rarely ever read entire entries before I start writing back so sometimes the tone is a little off. Apologize for that, if it ever becomes a problem, but I don't think it will. Still like to explain. Explanations are nice. To me, anyway, I've always been a 'why?' person.

What's the problem here.... okay, I don't know. I don't actually know much - but I know I love you ;) - but I'm going to try and relate this to myself, which is insanely easy, and tell you my thoughts on the whole thing.

So, here goes: A year ago you felt like a very intelligent person with a great life ahead of you - which is, incidentally, completely true and has not changed one bit. That fact hasn't changed, but the situation has. A year ago you had momentum. Say it with me now: momentum. Momentum meaning forward motion, something that you have for most of your life and then is suddenly thrown in a lurch if you stop. You go to elementary school, middle school, high school. Every morning of you young life you've gotten up and gone to school. And why did you go to school? Because you had to, you were expected to, and in that it was your momentum, one thing leading to another and another. Then you graduate. Even if you go to college right away that momentum gets fucked up. Suddenly you don't have to go to school, it's your choice. There are no parents to force you, no teachers to expect you, and in that you can lose your momentum completely. I've seen it happen to a lot of people. You don't want to go to class, you don't go. You have a big test? Who cares

Now you didn't take that road, the immediate college road, but it's pretty much the same thing only worse. People in college, whether they go to class or not, can usually delude themselves into thinking they still have momentum. They can lie to themselves and claim that, yes, they are moving forward. They're going to college, you see, which will lead them to a good job, which will lead them to a good life. That's momentum, working towards something, constant motion in a forward direction. By taking time off after high school, you've lost a lot of your momentum. Right now you're not working to move forward, you're working to get by, and in doing that you start to lose the things that come with momentum. Your confidence in yourself and your abilities, for one. It's hard to feel like you have this great future ahead of you when you're not doing something to actively move towards it.

This is what I think, based on my own experience. You still have all the strengths that you started with, you've just stopped believing in them, which, once again, is something I know all too well. It helps to talk to you about it, though. Makes me feel less alone and it helps to say to you what I've been saying to myself because as much as I know it's all true, it's hard to believe with me. I'm quick to believe in other people, strong, talented, wonderful people, but I seldom have any belief in myself. I think if I cared about myself as much as I do other people, I'd be quite well off.

I do believe in you, though, and I'm sure that I can say that you believe in me just as much. That's one of the reasons that you have friends. Sometimes they're there to hold you up, and sometimes they're just there to remind you that you have the power to get up on your own.

There is no bitchin. Only babble and honesty and love. Mostly babble.

The honesty... is something else. We're all honest, but we're seldom open. Sometimes I wonder how we manage to talk at all when each of us tries to keep their secrets, and their pain, till they explode.

We are getting better, though.

And love. Always love. For both you. And hopefully a little for myself.

Hehe, You're a nut, Mama...omg, Nut, Squirrely...Squirrels like nuts. lol. Anyway, yes...much love to Whitty. Miss her...miss her a lot. Sorry, I won't be able to make it this year, but I'm kinda hoping you guys can do something anyway. Don't let me mess up the whole trip.

The bills are...annoying. It was nice for both of us to be working and enjoy our money, but now, it's all spent before we even get it, and I don't even wanna THINK about college. Dad has been pressuring me about it. Damien really wants me to go in January, but I just don't see it happening. I don't have a car, sure, Damien and I have a car, but he needs it to get back and forth to work. I'm using Dad's truck to get to work now, but he's not gunna let me take it to college. lol. And, I wanna go to NorthWestern State University, which is in North Louisiana. College out of state is just not happening, too damn expensive, so yeah. I'll be stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a time in my life that I don't wanna be there. I'd much rather keep my job and get an apartment with Damien until I can afford to go where I want, but everytime I tell people that, they look at me like I'm stupid, like college is gunna get up and walk away, like it won't be there in two years. Jesus...I must be stupid! Everyone else around me acts like they know what's right for me...like their smarter, and lately, i've just been feeling...stupid. Like I'm completely incapable of taking care of myself, everyone's telling me what I need and I just feel like the dumbest person on Earth. I even asked my Mom the other day, because a year ago, I knew that I was a very intelligent person with a great life ahead of me, now...I think I'm stupid...whats the problem here?

Lemme quit bitchin.
Talk later. lol
LOVE LOVE LOVE