Actually, it was the orthodontist. Yes, Anna is finally getting braces - must fix the evil teeth! - and getting it over with.

I know most people get them when they're like 13-14, but in my family you lose your teeth late. In fact, I still have two baby teeth and didn't even know it. We also tend to get the new teeth in before the old teeth are gone which screws everything up rather spectacularly. Tom and I both have bad teeth, but oddly enough, we're both remarked for our pretty smiles. Odd. Anyway, I've been trying to get my parents to do this for the last couple years but my mom just flat out refused, she didn't want me in any more pain. We're just getting around to it now because I finally wore my parents down to the point that they would actually listen.

So why was I crying? Because it really, really bothered me, the whole thing. 1. It's one more thing that's wrong with me, one more thing that has to be fixed 2. one more thing that I don't like about the way that I look 3. one more thing that I didn't do when I was supposed to 4. one more thing that seperates me from my peers and just 5. one more thing. One little thing, but it's one little thing on top of thousands of little things and it just really hit me bad. I mean, it's one thing to know you don't have perfect teeth, but it's a whole other thing to have the reality of that thrown in your face by some overly perky woman in bad makeup, talking about how I'm just 'full of surprises' and how 'there's a whole lot more going on than they had thought.' I didn't like her much.

I was also really worried about the cost because braces aren't cheap and I'm most likely not covered by insurance because of my age, because we waited so long, and now with my dad... I just feel bad. They keep telling me not to, that they had always planned on doing this and it had always been a strong possibility that it wouldn't be covered no matter when it was done, but somehow I doubt they ever planned on doing it with just my mom working. And I didn't say that part because I didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings or anything, but that's what kept coming up in my mind, that's one of things that really does make me feel like a burden. But I heard what they said and I took it to heart so it's not as bad anymore, the worry.

Cribbage is a card game, my parents taught it to me while we were up in Bayfield. It's not that hard to learn or play, really, but you need the little cribbage peg board thing.

Sloppy. Drunk. Uh huh...

Grinning like a opossum? I don't think I've ever heard that one before. Heh... good times, good times.

Pop goes da weasel cause da weasel goes pop!
I found the funniest picture today. It's of you two and some drunk guy hugged up behind ya'll grinning like a opossum. It was at Summerfest.
Good times..lol

Deb-kutos on your successful evening.

Hey guys. We had a whole bunch of people over here" Me and Damien...Candace and Albert...Kelly and Jesus...Elizabeth and Derek, and my brother Geoff...we all just sat around, played PS2, watched movies and such. Albert's brother, Roberto came by and the big chillin started. Not too bad of a night, could have been better though. I ended up sloppy drunk, but yeah.

I gotta go meet the guys, so I'll write more later. I love you guys big BIG much!!

Never heard of cribbage. But good going on hanging in there with good ole dad.
Why had you been crying? Was it the whole depressiveness (actual word?) of New Year's, because yeah, I broke down too.
I talked to Dale and he said his night was boring so I doubt you missed much. He said he and some people just watched movies.
Not much partying down.
But just get back to me on why you were so upset. It's problem solver time! Wahoo!

I stayed home! Go me!! I'm just full of excitement, no? I stayed home and worked on updating the site till around 10:30 when my parents got home from a neighborhood party that they'd be invited to. I'm not sure what we did after that, but when the clock struck 12 I was playing cribbage with my dad and losing not-so-horribly - I just kept getting bad hands, but I played them well. We were listening to the techno mega mix on MTV2 which was actually really good, I think I liked every song that they played.

Of course, the original plan was to go to State Street in Madison with Dale and a few other people, but I didn't get the call until later in the afternoon and let's just say I was not in a happy place at the time - ie. I had been crying 10 seconds before the phone rang. Dale said he was going to be picking me up in five minutes and I was just like, Oh... I can't do this, and just said no. Just flat out, Sorry, I think I'll skip it. Yeah. It probably would've been fun. And cold and not so fun being surrounded by people I don't really know or necessarily like... Yeah.

Happy New Year ya'll! I love you both!

Gimmie the skinny on what each of you ended up doing. Good for me, I was only about 49% depressed the whole night/day.

Do you ever wish you could pull a Tom Sawyer? Witness your own funeral, ya know, without actually having to die first. The brightest truths always have a way of coming out once a person is gone. You've got nothing to lose so you just let it out, let the truth out, and you find beauty in people that you never even dreamed about. I remember when Liz died... it was hard for me, but really the hardest thing was seeing all these people, all these people who loved her so much, and knowing that she didn't have a clue. She never would've expected that, not in a million years, and honestly, neither would I. I mean, I saw people weeping over her loss that I never even thought would be effected, much less devastated. It was like the whole town just stopped living for a moment and mourned the loss of this wonderful soul. And she wasn't even there to enjoy it.

Oh I know she saw it, I don't doubt that one bit. She felt that love, that grief, no matter how far away she was, but she couldn't enjoy it, not really. It came at too high a price.

I remember going to her wake, I was probably the only dry eyed person there. I walked right up to her casket and looked at the body and saw just that, a body. This wasn't my baby, this wasn't my friend, this was a shell. Everything that made her her was gone. It didn't live in that body anymore and I knew it. I remember looking at her and thinking, dear lord she never would've worn that, what were they thinking? It didn't even look like her except for one thing, her nails. I know it sounds odd but her fingernails were painted with a color called Schmutz. A dark burgundy color, it was her favorite. I remember wondering whether it just happened to be what she was wearing when she died or if they done that afterwards. Such a small thing, but it was one of the first things I noticed. So while everyone around me was crying and hurting, I smiled. I said goodbye to the body. I thanked god that she was safe and warm and free from pain. I took comfort in knowing that her soul was still as alive as ever.

I looked at that body cool as a cumcumber, but I sobbed over the flowers. Such a strange thing, but those flowers, they represented it, that outpouring of love. These were the people that loved her, the people that missed her, and she never even knew. I cried for her ignorance and I cried for the people who would never be lucky enough to know her. You guys would've loved her, just absolutely loved her. She was so alive. You could almost see it, like this glowing halo around her, she just shined with it. And I had always seen it, always appreciated it. I guess I wasn't the only one. I just... when you die, people see everything good in you. It's hard to find fault with the dead, hard to hold them accountable for their wrongs. All their faults, all their flaws, just seem to melt away. You either forget them altogether or recognize them for what they are, the little things that make us human, the imperfections that make us perfect. And Liz, she had flaws, lord, she had flaws... but I loved her. I'll remember everything that was wrong with her, but I can't hold it against her, I never could. I just wanted the best for her, and I worried that those flaws would hold her back. In some ways they did, but she got more life out of her 16 years than most people get out of 60. I take comfort in that, too. She lived and was loved and she knew how much I loved her, that was one thing I will never doubt, she knew. And that's all that really mattered.

Hot damn, I write long posts. Yeesh.

Thank you.

Oh wow...I have to sit for a minute and think of where to begin.
Anna, I just want to thank you for letting us in. I knew that there was something going on...something that was haunting you...more than you would say, but I always hoped you'd let Whitney and I when you were ready. No pushing, no questions asked, when you were ready for us to know because I always knew in my heart you believed we'd understand without really understanding, ya know? You two are a huge part in my life and you hold a place in my heart that no one else can even touch. I found out that in a matter of years, just the few conversations we've managed to catch each other for before this blog existed, opened me up to find the truely greatest people I will ever know...my soulmates...my sisters. We're something more than friends. We listen to each other, we love each other and we feel each other's pain even when we don't realize it.

You have never and will never be a burden to us. You can't be. You've always been our rock and there's going to be times when you need us to be yours. Just know that we'll be there, always. You might not be able to count on us for the answer, but you can count on us to run to wherever you need us to be and hold you as you cry. That's what we do. We love you. Let it out, Mama. Let someone catch you for once.

I honestly agree with you, Whitney, when you said that there's a difference to be made by us. We're three of a kind and I don't think anything will ever break that bond. I don't think there's anything strong enough to. We've all been through a lot and I think it's pretty damn amazing that we've always managed to find our way back to each other. I think that a real problem we all have, though, is that none of us give ourselves enough credit. Our insecurities get the best of us all the time and I just want to take some time out to let the both of you know something...

Whitney- You are an amazingly beautiful person...inside and out. You can be counted on for hours of laughter and when needed; comfort, security, and love. You are a great writer and a beautiful voice in the trio that is our craziness.

Anna- Where do I start? Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough or that you don't do something well because I've yet to find anything you can't master. You've always been there to help us pick up the pieces and wipe the tears from a million miles away and I can't even begin to know how to repay you for that.

The both of you have saved me in a thousand ways you could never know.

I was actually sitting here in a funk a little while ago...today just didn't go well. Work sucked...Damien is just...I dunno, and I feel completely exhausted. I needed to read all of that. I needed you guys tonight. Thank you for that.

I Love You...More Than You Will Ever Know.

Isn't it wild, though? That we love each other so much and depend on each other so much, and yet for the longest time we had never even met face to face? I just find that a bit mind boggling. Because you guys meant a lot to me even then, even before we started having our trips and seeing each other. Everyone thought I was batty. I swear, I would talk about you guys all the time but I rarely ever mentioned the fact that you were "internet friends" because people looked down on that, they made it into something less simply because we met in a less than conventional way. It's like, I'm sorry did you want me to shack up with them at the local Sentry? Would that make you happy? Possibly a spontaneous bonding session at the neighborhood Jiffy Lube? Yeesh. So I always just called you guys friends and gave the vague - and truthful, in a way - explanation that I've moved around a lot in my life, what with the military and all. I let them assume that I'd met you in person a long time ago and just kept in touch because to them that was valid. To me you've both always been just as important, if not more so, than any "real life" friends that I've had. So I was always, Naw, Deb, Whit, they're my girls because you are, and that's all they really needed to know.

Future Pulitzer Prize winner? Somehow I think not. That last sentence, though, "Potential to move anywhere and do anything is completely bundled up inside each of you and there's a difference with your name on it waiting to be made." I like that, very well said.

No, I don't really like people to preach to me, and really you're not, but all the same, the God road is not the road for me. It's not something I know how to explain, but the beliefs I subscribe to are very different from yours and they don't allow me the luxury of putting my life in someone else's hands. I don't believe that God controls everything, I don't believe that He has an ultimate plan, I just don't. We're creatures of free choice and in that way, God cannot control us and cannot have a plan anymore than we can. He can hope for something and aim for something, but whether or not it happens is not entirely up to Him.

(Great, great movie. I saw it opening day, simply amazing.)

(just thought I'd say, I saw The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers tonight.......I almost cried 2 or 3 times. It was a masterpiece)

I never really understood the entirety of our safety net until now. I never realized how good it was to have you both. I just seem to take it all for granted. Like it should always and will always be there. But I think it's great that we can open up and just spill like this. Each of us know that we feel like this and it's sometimes hard to express it right. But that's what Anna is for because she's a freaking future Pulitzer Prize Winner.

It's never good when you go through a life changing experience and nothing ever really changes. Everything's just up in the air... kind of lingering like a wound that won't heal. So as far as understanding goes....I'm right there with you Anna. And I doubt that Deborah hasn't felt this way or may even still feel s this way too. But just to let you know, you have meant and always will mean (both of you) a great deal to my life. There's not a day that passes that I don't think about ya'll. Potential to move anywhere and do anything is completely bundled up inside each of you and there's a difference with your name on it waiting to be made.
I know you don't like for me to preach, but that's just who I am and what I like to do. As simple as anything, since nothing has helped you so far, rely on God. I mean full on rely on him. You’d be surprised how your body, all the stress, anger, madness, just begins to unravel slowly.

I’m always here. For both of you. All my love and understanding is sent out endlessly to both of you.

You are wondered about, make a difference, and will rise up and dazel us all someday Anna. It’s just taking you longer than you’d like. But it’s not all about your plans in life…..but God’s as well.

Love you both….Night

Why does your mom want you to wait? I mean, you reallly want to go and Carri really wants to have you, it sounds like a good deal. I can't believe... wow.. you'll be in Wisconsin and even if you're nowhere near me you're still a hell of a lot closer than Louisiana. You're actually making my state appealing to me again. I've pretty much gotten to the point where I don't really have any reason to stay beyond my family, but it'd be nice to have you up in my neck of the woods. Hell, it's nice just having you, period - you, too, Whitterbug!

I miss you guys.

It is so lonely up here. I just.. I can't even describe how alone I feel most of the time. It's like I'm not even part of the world anymore, and that's hard. I don't have a place anymore, somewhere I belong, and it makes me feel so incredibly lost and unwanted, unimportant. It feels like I could just disappear and no one would even notice. I mean, I know you guys would and my family, definitely, Dale and Wenxiao, too, but... the world at large.. to them I'm already gone. Nobody knows what happen to me and I honestly don't think any of them care. A passing curiousity maybe, but it's not like it keeps them up at night, wondering when I am, how I'm doing. It doesn't keep me up, wondering about them, so why should they care, ya know? I don't mean anything to them anyway.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does because they lost their friends, too. They had friends move away, they lost touch with people, too. But they got new friends. New lives. And I didn't get anything. I lost so much without every getting anything back. That's probably the hardest thing. I don't know. I just feel like I deserve more than this, ya know? Like there's so much inside of me just waiting to get out and it's never gonna get a chance because I'm too sick and too scared and just too... I don't know how anymore, to let it out. I was never very good at it to begin with. I like to keep things inside, keep them safe and warm and just away from the world. The world hurts them. It laughs at them and belittles them and makes them feel bad about the things they should be proud of. I don't like the world. It doesn't like me much either and that seems to be the way of things. And I'm never sure which comes first, me hating them or them hating me. It matters, but I'm really not sure.

Not sure of much of anything these days.

I'm gonna tell you guys a couple things, okay? Stuff that I don't really want to talk about, but I think that I should, stuff that you might not want to hear, but you should. I know that I've always been the strong one, the one you lean on, the one you run to and I like things that way. I like being that person, it's who I am. But I can't be strong all the time and I haven't been strong in a long time. My mom tells me I am, tells me I'm crazy to be thinking otherwise, but it's hard to believe when you feel so weak. I started seeing a psychologist in November. My mom has been trying to get me to go for a long time, years, even, but I've always said no. She just couldn't believe that someone could go through this and not be depressed. I think to her it didn't seem human to be unaffected. I never claimed to be unaffected, but I never thought I was depressed and I still honestly believe that I wasn't, not until a few months ago. It's just... it's been almost four years now. Four years. And I guess it just finally caught up with me, all the loss and the pain and the suffering.

My shrink, Dr. Stewart, he uses words like that, words like 'suffering' or 'sorrow'. I never used them on myself before, never really felt like I deserved them, like they were too much, too powerful for what I was going through. Wenxiao said that maybe it's time I used them. I think she's right. She also said these headaches are ruining my life and sadly enough, she's right again.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I just.. I've never been very good at trusting people, even when I know that they deserve it and you guys do, you really, really do. I've.. my whole life I've always taken care of people, looked out for them, I put everyone else ahead of me and I protected them. My first session with Dr. Stewart I didn't really learn anything from him, but I came to my own conclusion: I've been protecting you from myself. I've never wanted to be the problem or the invconvienence and I felt like the headaches, they reduced me so that I was just that. And I saw how it hurt people, how hard it was for them to see me in pain and be so helpless, how hard it was for them to watch my world crumble around me and it is. That's just how it is when you care about someone, their pain and their triumph, it's yours, too. And that's why I couldn't do it, that's why I couldn't let you in because there was so much pain and so much destruction and nothing good to balance it out. I didn't have any funny little stories to tell, I didn't have happy things to talk about and it just felt unfair to burden you guys with so much, to take so much and never anything give back.

So that's how I felt, like a burden, a waste. And I wanted to fix it myself. I mean, I can fix everybody else, why I can't I fix myself? And I know it doesn't work that way but I had to try, I had to at least do that. So I did, and for months I just kept it all inside and dealt with it as best I could, but there comes a point when it's just too much for one person no matter who that person is or how strong they are, they need help. It took a long time to admit that, and not because I think there's anything wrong with asking for help, not because I thought it made me weak, but because I really couldn't deal with having something else wrong with me. It's like, I'm already fucked up as it is, I don't need to be a headcase on top of everything else. But I am. I can't help it, and maybe no one could, but I feel like I could've done something different, something better. It's a feeling that haunts me everyday.

Don't really know what else to say. Umm... this is part of the reason that I broke up with Peter. It's why not being able to talk to him was such a big issue because I knew that even if I wanted to talk about it I could never tell him, never find the words. I barely even spoke to you guys during all that, but I knew that I could drop out of nowhere and just spill my heart out and not only would you guys listen but you would make me feel safe. Even if you couldn't help me or give me advice, I'd feel safe and loved and like it was okay to break down every once in a while. I never felt like that with him, I never felt that comfortable, and that was the problem. I mean, after a year you would think that I would but I didn't and I couldn't stay with him because of it. A whole year and I wasn't even comfortable enough around him to just be myself. I couldn't take it anymore, it was destroying me inside and I just couldn't take it. So there, that's why we broke up, that's my explanation.

Just write back. That's all I want. Not advice or wise words or even comfort, I just want to know that you're listening and that you care. That's all I expect. Ask questions. There are stupid questions, but with us there's no such thing as a question too stupid to ask, okay? Okay.

And ignore the errors, I know there's some in here but proof reading isn't much of a priority right now.

Lol yes I did! The post office addressed it for me, I totally forgot to put something to tell you who it was from *smacks self in head* I'm such a dork. I'm really glad you guys like your presents, my whole theme this year was to get people to relax. I was so tempted to burn "Relax" - ya know, the song from Zoolander - and include that, but they were already gonna be late so oh well.

Ahh! Thanks Anna! I love my PJ's!!!! Hehe...wore em last night! Oh yeah...it's now official (as if it wasn't before!) You are the best. :)

Hey guess what?!?! Aunt Carri came down here for Christmas and she wants me to move back up there with her! She's leaving on the 1st and the kids are going back on the 3rd, and she wants me to move in with her. I really really really wanna go, but Mom wants me to wait until after my birthday (23rd) but I dunno...We don't really have the money to buy a plane ticket and stuff right now, plus, if I'm moving, I'll need a car so that I can get back and forth to work because I'm not about to just sit around up there since I'm out of school and Sonic isn't exactly paying for all this since I already owe a shitload of money to Mom. I know that I should wait...but I really don't want to, ya know?

Damien is home, just in case I haven't told y'all yet. lol. We've been just hanging out, doing the friend thing...not too much fun, but I guess I can deal. I really love him, guys.

Shit, I gotta run. I have to go pick up my little brother. We'll talk more later, ok??

I love you!!

Anna, did you send me the aromatherapy stuff? Because it didn't look like your hand writing and it didn't say who it was from. So if you did I really like it and thank you. The bottle of green stuff smells good and is really pretty. The sugar stuff tripped me out at first but Tyler told me it was good stuff.
And if you didn't send it......well hell.

Thank you! Love you two!